25 January 2012

13 Things Your Kids Might Do While You're Trying To Write A Sex Scene

13 Things Your Kids Might Do While You're Trying To Write A Sex Scene:

1) Turn on Phineas and Ferb really, really loud.

2) After you point out you're trying to write and they can't watch TV right now, sit behind your recliner and fight, making sure to jolt your favorite writing chair repeatedly.

3) Try to read over your shoulder because they are "bored". And one of them can't even READ, so she has to ask you what it says.

4) Let the cats out when the cats aren't allowed to be out and then run around yelling about it, which of course scares the cats even further from the safety of the front door.

5) Break stuff in the kitchen when getting the cats a "treat" to lure them back into the house.

6) When being punished with a time out in their bedroom for not behaving while you're trying to write, fall off the top bunk.

7) Pretend they have broken a body part when there is nothing actually wrong.

8) When being punished for pretending to have broken a body part when there is nothing actually wrong, hurl themselves onto the couch so repentantly that the couch cushions ricochet into the floor. Totally accidentally.

9) Pile up the couch cushions and use them as a springboard to leap onto the couch, where they are supposed to be sitting quietly since they are being punished.

10) Stick a foot through the bottom liner of the couch underneath where the cushions are supposed to be and scream with intense fear and pain as if their foot is being eaten by an alligator.

11) Argue with--let's call it "great passion"--that the ripping and tearing of the couch is not in any way their fault because all they were trying to do was sit quietly while they were being punished, but the couch cushions are too stupid and stupidly refused to stay on the couch where they belong, necessitating the behavior that resulted in the ripping and tearing. Which was not their fault.

12) While being punished for arguing with--let's call it "great passion"--and the use of certain words in reference to their parents' IQ, slump in sullen silence in your writing chair because the couch is, after all, ripped and torn, and the bedroom contains that evil, possibly limb-breaking bunk bed, and the kitchen floor has broken stuff that needs to be vacuumed up, and the dining room is really just an extension of the kitchen, and no way in hell are they having their time out in YOUR bedroom, because it's the only place left in the house outside the bathrooms where you can possibly get any peace.

13) Lock yourself in your bedroom with computer, in your NOT favorite chair, and realize you absolutely cannot write a sex scene, because it could possibly result in your hero and heroine getting pregnant, and you want them to have a HAPPY ending to their book.

Sincerely,

Jody Wallace
www.jodywallace.com  * www.meankitty.com

PS: No children were harmed in the writing of this Thursday Thirteen. Can't say the same about the couch.
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