Showing posts with label Jody Wallace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jody Wallace. Show all posts

30 October 2014

13 Reasons to Read Earthbound Passion: The Adventures of Mari Shu book 1


1) It's only 99 cents at all vendors.

2) It's tongue in cheek. I mean, how sexy is a tongue in a cheek? Nevermind that when you see a person probing his cheek with his tongue, it usually that means he's trying to get food out of his teeth. Just ignore that.

3) It's like getting 6 books for the price of one because it's a branching fiction structure with several different endings. So if you hate the way it ends, you'll get another choice!

4) The book -- this volume, anyway -- does not contain any unicorns.

5) The book has a lot of sexy sexxoring and BDSM in it, if you like that king of thing. If you don't, there's also violence.

6) This is the beginning of a series but there are no cliffhangers. Again...in this volume.

7) The second book in the series is already available -- no waiting!

8) The book contains the phrase "loaner boner." Don't you want to know what THAT is all about?

9) The heroine's sainted grandmother is very revered and respected, so the book is, like, respectful of our elders.

10) The heroine is devoted to her younger siblings, so the book is, like, tight with family values.

11) There's a character named Pagan Taupe, and if you can guess what that's spoofing, I'll email you a really nice photo of a cat.

12) I have promised to publish all my hate mail in a book entitled "The Hate Mails to Mari Shu" but I haven't gotten any hate mail yet. This might mean there's nothing to hate about the book, which is a huge recommendation!

13) There are nearly two pages of quotes and comments from other people and authors about this book, another huge recommendation. Gems like:

“That’s hysterical.” — Author Misa Buckley, when commenting on another author’s blurb for MARI SHU

What are you waiting for?


Jody Wallace

Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist of the Apocalypse

http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

12 June 2014

13 Ways to Spice Up Your Writer's Block!

Muzziness and unclear thinking got your writing productivity down like it has mine? Here's a random list of herbs and spices purported to give mental clarity and purity of thought!

1) Brahmi. This sounds very like brony, which are dudes who love My Little Pony. I can see how that would help with creative writing and writer's block -- think outside the gender box, man!

2) Gotu kola. What kind of cola is that? Go to cola? I'll go to a cola and drink it and then write better. Good to know.

3) Ashwaghandha. So, a quick Google confirms this herb, also known as Indian ginseng, has a strong horse-like smell. I do like the smell of horses, and I didn't realize that the smell of horses would help with writer's block. Bonus!

4) Vacha. That's, like, cow in Spanish, right? So the smell of horses and the smell of cows. Uh. I really like the smell of horses better. But BEEF, now, that would be a nice remedy for writer's block. Especially if I'm trying to write and somebody else cooks dinner and brings me a nice, grilled steak. HINT HINT, KIDS.

5) Tulsi. Nothing against Oklahoma? But I don't personally live in Oklahoma, and if I have to visit Tulsi to break free of writer's block, I don't think that's very practical. Also, Tulsi is aka holy basil and since it's religious, I guess I shouldn't make fun of it. Sorry, Oklahoma.

6) Rosemary. Hey, I have a plant out front. And I don't know what to write next about rosemary. BRB, going to smell some bush.

7) Peppermint. I'm back! The rosemary bush was delightful, especially when we add it to chicken, but I have no peppermint. Except for Altoids, which are purported to contain real peppermint oil. Considering how many of those little sinus bombs I eat, it's amazing I ever get writer's block.

8) Basil. Now, the basil's in my back yard, in the square foot garden. It's actually growing this year, as opposed to last year, when SOMEBODY who is married to me let the kids plant whatever they wanted wherever they wanted and nothing came up. Who could that be? I had to take over. I guess it was good for my writing, since I instinctively planted basil. Now if only somebody else would get me a salad.

9) Rooibus. Who's bus? Roo's bus! Roo's bus is Kanga. But all that jumping, I don't know if I could focus. I'd probably get motion sick and barf. But, you know, I could write about what it's like to ride in a kangaroo's pouch. That would be an unusual topic.

10) Ginkgo biloba. A relative of the Bagginses of Bag End? Or a lesser known Spanish conquistador who got lost in the Bermuda Triange before we knew it was the Bermuda Triangle? The first one I don't think I'm allowed to write about because copyright. But the second one....

11) Green tea. Man, that's just caffeine. I'll take mine as a coffee, thanks.

12) Oatstraw. Ok, really? What's that, oatmeal with Weetabix in it? Oh, MUESLI. Which is supposed to unstopper writer's block. Sure, if writer's block = your colon. Which I guess it could.

13) Skullcap. I'm wearing a gnome cap right now and it's not helping. I guess I should switch to a beanie?

Hell, now I'm just too hot. Stinkin' perimenopause. I need to go look for some herbs that fix that.

Jody Wallace
Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist of the Apocalypse
http://www.jodywallace.com  * http://www.meankitty.com  

17 April 2014

Other Types of Creativity -- Between the Lines

Whenever I need a writing break...

(or, rather, whenever I foolishly volunteer to help with something involving crafts and am forced to TAKE a writing break because I procrastinated like a procrastination demon)

I have become fond of committing...

(volunteering like a foolish procrastination demon)

to other types of projects that involve the arts. I find that it stimulates my writer brain...

(in that I often come up with genius ideas about my book while crafting but I can't go write them down because I foolishly procrastinated a project and I'm pulling a midnighter, as opposed to an all-nighter, which I'm too old to do anymore)

to exercise other types of creativity...

(for which I'm often ill-suited, as it turns out)

in addition to creativity with the written word.

For example, this season I volunteered...

(a long time ago, like in 2013, but funnily enough I'm not DOING the bulk of the work until just now)

to help with the costumes for my children's musical theater performance of The Little Mermaid. Normally my help extends to picking through my vintage collection in the attic...

(I also have a shopping demon who's friends with the procrastination demon, and the shopping demon loooooooves to find great deals in thrift stores on vintage or other funky clothes)

for the shows that have early 20th century settings, like last year's Bugsy Malone. This year, however, in addition to thrifting for cheap raw materials and crocheting fish hats, the theater director and costume mistress assigned me some actual sewing projects.

(And here comes the 'I'm ill suited for this' part!)

The fish hats, I have to say, were a rousing success. Like my puffer fish. Magnifique!



The sewing projects are still ongoing. But the important thing is not the costumes.

(Although the costumes are pretty darn important to the theater director, costume mistress, and kids who have to wear them, so I'd better not eff this up!)

The important thing is I will finish up this weekend and return to writing next week refreshed...

(bloody fingered)

energized in the brain...

(exhausted in the body)

and ready to take my hero and heroine on rousing adventures...

(that do not involve sewing sequins, because that might be one version of Hell on Earth.)

Do you ever find that other creative arts stimulate your writer brain?

Jody Wallace
Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist of the Apocalypse
http://www.jodywallace.com  * http://www.meankitty.com  

30 October 2013

Revenge Fantasies, Anyone?

This month's theme is Digging up Bones: Releasing our Ghosts through Writing. Though I write paranormal and fantasy romance and am about to release my first urban fantasy, I'm not a supernaturally inclined person. I'm not much of a believer, though worldbuilding and researching various phenomena remains fascinating, and I certainly don't knock people who have different beliefs than me.

But releasing ghosts through writing could also refer to stress or memories. Or journaling, as pointed out by A Catherine Noon (http://paranormalauthors.blogspot.com/2013/09/dem-bones-dem-bones.html). Me, if I have ghosts I need to release, it's probably all the dad gum revenge fantasies that occasionally play in my head like movies.

I don't know that this is a particularly writerly trait--perhaps just a surly, mean one--but it does give rise to some interesting situations in my writing. I won't say whether or not any scenes in my books are taken directly from real life, but the feelings of frustration, the fist shaking at the lack of justice in the world, and the way difficult situations frequently turn out for the worse are things we can pour in stories if we choose.

Things we can even rectify, in a way real life doesn't allow.

Anybody else out there enjoy a good revenge fantasy?

***

On that note, I'd like to share the first couple pages of my very-soon-to-be-released urban fantasy, THE WHOLE TRUTH (http://jodywallace.com/books/the-whole-truth/) , where our heroine, who can see lies but has never met anyone like herself, realizes that her real life is about to change. To find out what wrongs she gets to rectify in the course of her story, I hope that this book will go live on Amazon and Smashwords in the next couple days!


*** EXCERPT FROM: THE WHOLE TRUTH ***

Chapter 1
I see shadows. But not dead people.

When they found me, they weren’t ninjas, just garden-variety men in black. Excuse me, people in black. The frustrating part wasn’t that they invaded my home but that I should have been expecting it. After all, I’m the only person I’ve ever met who can do what I can do. Besides write advertising copy. Anybody can do that as long as they have a penchant for buzz words and hyperbole.

No, as far as I know, I’m the only freak like me in existence. I should have been ready for this to happen. I should have had a bag packed, with stylish travel wear and airline-friendly cosmetics.

But I didn’t. They caught me completely unaware. I’m stupid that way, even if I can discover any truth by asking the right questions.

I got home from another late night, after a normal week at work, if there is such a thing. I unlocked the door, cursed it when it stuck, and had almost kicked it shut when I noticed them.

A man and woman I’d never seen before were in my living room watching my newest indulgent purchase. Wait, technically that would be my new Kate Spade purse. While it’s sparkly, it doesn’t do any tricks worth staring at. They were watching my widescreen TV.

The man rose when he noticed me, as if he always stood when a female entered the room. He inhaled audibly but made no sudden moves.

Had I surprised their….illicit TV viewing?

“What the hell are you doing in my house?” I asked from the safety of the foyer. I would have taken off without asking questions, but they didn’t seem aggressive. I mean, they’d been absorbed in Andy Griffith.

The man’s lips parted slightly. Then he gave a sharp nod.

“Cleopatra Giancarlo?” he asked, smoothing the lapel of his expensive suit.

“Maybe.” I propped the door open with my toe, tensed to run. “Maybe not.”

“I see you were working late again, Miss Giancarlo,” he said.

“Working late isn’t a crime.” Unless you were a mobster or something. When the man didn’t respond, I continued.

“Who are you people?” Let them try to claim they were friends. Let them try to lie to me. I didn’t step away from the door.

The man glanced at the woman. She shrugged.

“My name is John Arlin. This is my partner, Samantha Graves. We’re happy to meet you, Miss Giancarlo.”

Their actual names, and they were honestly happy to meet me.

Samantha reclined against the arm of my sofa with my cat—my cat!—in her lap. I hoped Boris got hairballs all over her spiffy tweed.

She smiled at me. Her teeth were unnaturally white. “Shut the door,” she said. “You’re letting in mosquitoes.”

I backed onto the porch, only to notice a gigantic man in a dark suit step out of a vehicle at the curb. He was nearly twice as tall as the car. He waved.

Safer inside or outside?

Outside lurked their giant. Inside I could see their masks if they lied. I went in, closed the door, and held my keychain at the ready. I’d read somewhere you could stab people in the eyeball with your key to incapacitate them. Provided you had the guts to do so.

“Please don’t feel threatened. We just want to talk.” John adjusted a sleeve and glanced at his watch. His dark jacket parted to reveal a crisp white dress shirt and…

Did I see a holster?

“You’re in my house without my permission. I feel threatened.” I inched into the room, toward the phone, my cell having disappeared in the depths of my work satchel three days ago. I knew it was there because I could call myself. I just couldn’t find the damn thing.

“I apologize for that. Time has become critical, and it was expedient to meet you in private, instead of making an appointment.”

Was it true? I squinted, trying to detect the shadow that formed around the faces of any liars in my line of vision. No darkening. He was being honest.

It occurred to me that John and Samantha could be the people who wanted to buy the house from my landlord. The old coot threatened to sell the place out from under me every time I complained about the parking lot, if you could call a ten foot wide section of rubble a parking lot.

John continued. “Dinner’s in the fridge. Pastrami and jack on sourdough.”

Good guess…but the sandwich put him out of the running for home buyer. “You didn’t break into my house to talk sandwiches. Why are you here?”

“We have some information for you about an opportunity,” he said. “Will you hear us out?” He had yet to display a mask, the shadow veneer that appeared in front of a liar’s face, which did ease my nerves. That didn’t mean I was going to let my guard down.

“Cut the solicitous crap. What do you want? My television?” I doubted it, because their car outside wasn’t big enough to transport it, but bravado seemed smarter than fear. “Take it, I have renter’s insurance.”

He stepped closer, and I became aware of the fact he was tall, not to mention built. I was short. Could I key-poke his eye or not? More like his throat. Wasn’t the spot between your collarbones vulnerable? I patted my non-key-holding hand against my breastbone to check, my heavy work satchel thumping my hip.

John picked up my cordless telephone from the bookcase next to the couch and extended it to me. “The minute we make you nervous, dial the police.”

“I’m nervous right now.” I pressed various areas on my throat to test which was most stickable. Nervous people did that, protected their throats, or their boobs. I guess they were protecting their hearts, not their boobs.

“Sorry.” He tilted his head down. “Would you prefer to eat first? You must be hungry. We got the sandwich from Mazio’s.”

How could they know my favorite eatery was a dive three blocks down on the east end?

An ugly suspicion rose in me. A nightmare of a thought. They knew all these things about me because they’d been spying on me. Watching where and what I ate, how late I stayed at work.

“I’d prefer that you leave,” I told him.

“We’ll leave as soon as we talk to you.” He stepped closer, still offering the phone.

“I think you should go now.” I snatched the phone but John held onto it, keeping me within arm’s reach. His nostrils flared and his pupils dilated, and for a minute I got the distinct impression he was smelling me.

“John,” Samantha warned. “You’re creeping her out.”

He shook himself. I returned to the relative safety of my foyer with the handset. Since Mondo was in the street, I could make a run for the neighbor. So what if he wasn’t home? They wouldn’t know that.

Oh, wait. They probably would. My fingers found the nine. I pressed it, then a one. John pursed his lips and fingered his Snoopy tie. Snoopy?

They waited to see if I’d dial a third number. If they meant me harm, would they give me the chance to call for help? Maybe I should hear them out.

We all stared at each other until Samantha said, “What a soft, fluffy cat. Is this Boris or Natasha?”

I contemplated the additional digit on the phone. “Why do you know all this stuff about me?”

“We know all sorts of things about you. That’s what we’re here to discuss.” The woman slid Boris off her lap and rose.

First thing I noticed was she was really short, too.

Second thing I noticed was she had on four-inch heels, Manolos, which meant she was actually shorter than me. Mine were two-inch kitten heels, the same rose pink as my tiered ruffle skirt and blouse.

You know, that thing about secret servicemen in black isn’t true. Samantha had on a tweed suit. I know tweed’s the new black, but I was pretty sure John’s Snoopy as the Red Baron tie wasn’t regulation at Ye Olde Agency.

“You guys aren’t from the CIA, are you?” I asked. “FBI? NSA? Homeland Security?” The main reason I’d kept myself to…myself was my inherent fear of the government and what they’d want from me if they found out. You could only tip off the cops so many times before they got suspicious, and pretending to be psychic only works on television.

Samantha Graves smiled, and her long-lashed, blue eyes twinkled as if we were sharing a joke. She had a perfect, shiny black bob without a hair out of place, and she couldn’t be more than a size three. I could hate a woman like that.

“That’s correct, we’re not from any of those places. May I call you Cleopatra?”

“Not unless you want me to finish dialing 9-1-1 for the murder I’d be forced to commit.”

I had yet to see a glimmer surrounding either of them. They had yet to answer any of my pertinent questions.

Shit.

They knew.

FMI and eventual buy links: http://jodywallace.com/books/the-whole-truth/

***

Jody Wallace
Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist
http://www.jodywallace.com  * http://www.meankitty.com  

05 September 2013

Meankitty "Bad Libs" Book Review: Tiger Tiger

TIGER TIGER by A. Catherine Noon and Rachel Wilder is a Urban fantasy/Paranormal M/M romance. I finished it in record time: about a day. Hey, I didn't say it was the QUICKEST record. The plot wasn't always easy to follow, but I defenestrated my way through. That's right. Defenestrated. Which is a fancy way of saying the authors threw the plot RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW.

The characters in this attractive book were named Sasha, Neal, and Steve. The first protagonist was a very soft character with black fur. Her relationship with the second protagonist reminded me of the movie THE SUN ALSO RISES because of their happy feelings for each other and the way they merely watched anytime they were faced with danger. The third character, on the other hand, was a real platypus. Should that character have been subjected to cancer of the left toe, I would have been quickly sad. I know I'm a cat, but playtpuses are just cute, you know?

There was never a moment in this book where I felt drunk. Mostly because I'm a cat and I don't drink alcohol. The furry plot was full of surprises. I creatively continued to turn pages. You HAVE to be creative when you turn pages in a cat body! The conflict was softly resolved. Soft like my belly. When I reached the end, I wanted to listen to birds and drink fluffy ouiska, which is pronounced "whiskey" according to Google. So you know that's crazy for me, since I just said I don't drink alcohol! The writing style is worth mentioning, too, since it was gracefully hard. I counted 624,987,524,618.2 typos to boot.

My summation: TIGER TIGER receives a grade of 428 on a scale of 1 to 2. And if that doesn't sound possible, it's just because you haven't yet read this fuschia book. I wanted to give this book a toothsome desk with a side of ridiculous chocolate.

Also, for the record I would like to adeptly state that cats are the bravest animals on earth and dogs are made of MRSA infection.

Sincerely,

Bad Libs Meankitty & the Typing Human
www.meankitty.com  * www.jodywallace.com

For more Meankitty Reviews visit www.meankittyreviews.com

16 May 2013

If You Give A Kid A Camera...

Recently, as in yesterday, I had to perform that painful authorial duty that happens to so many of us -- I had to get new headshots. Accompanying me to meet the professional photographer at our chosen outdoor locations were my sister and her 20 month old daughter.

Now my sister is a careful mom who's doing a great job with her kiddo. One thing she does so she can be that careful mom is to make a certain allowance in a certain situation in order to preserve her own sanity. By that oh so descriptive sentence, I mean she has a childproofed old iPoon she lets the baby play with in the car. The iPoon's name is Carl.

Baby has found the camera function on the iPoon. So I thought I'd share some of baby's art on the way to and from my photography appointment. Keep in mind these are merely a small sampling of the images we found on the camera.

1. Shoes!


2. Something fleshy.


3. Baby hair.


4. No more shoes!


5. A gingham toy.


6. A leg.


7. Two legs and a foot.


8. Oooh, nice foot.


9. I need a drink from the sippy cup. Hold on, Carl.
 
 
10. I lost my purple shoes somewhere....new shoes!



11. Caspar the friendly Megablox ghost.


12. Mr. Moto Monkey


13. Baby :)



What does this have to do with writing paranormal and this month's topic of finding writing ideas or when good ideas go bad? Not much, actually. My sister's idea of letting the kid play with the old iPoon isn't bad SO far! And maybe one day Baby will take some pictures that lend themselves to a story...that reveal the perpetrator of a crime...or a shapeshifting alien....except Baby isn't saying much yet, and all we'd have to solve the mystery are 208 photos of almost exactly the same thing.

 

Jody Wallace

Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist

http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

21 February 2013

Language of Love: Hats?

This month I've been ardently researching the clothing and culture of the 1920s. Two reasons. One, I'm helping costume the actors in my daughter's spring musical theater recital, set in the 20's. Two, I'm presenting a costuming workshop at my RWA chapter's writer's retreat. So I gladly combined my two efforts into one tax-deductible order of vintage costuming books :).

So what does this have to do with the language of love, this month's theme? In one of the books I read that women, supposedly, used to tie the ribbon in their ubiquitous cloche hat hat differently depending on their love relationship. (1) Picture a cloche hat with a stiffened ribbon through the side, sort of like a feather. The wearer left the ribbon straight, like an arrow, if she was single but committed romantically. She tied a simple knot if she was married. And she tied a fancy, frou-frou bow if she was looking for love, hopefully in all the right places...or speakeasies, since this was during the Roaring 20s!


While that doesn't seem to make logical sense -- surely the knotless ribbon should represent the unentangled single gal -- it is a type of love language represented symbolically. General engagement rings and wedding bands, the color of flowers (http://www.teleflora.com/flowercolors.asp) -- though this is more in the meaning of the gift than what it represents about the wearer, or how you wear your claddagh ring (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claddagh_ring) -- these are other various cultural symbols beyond the FaceBook status that quietly whisper the language of love, of a sort, without the wearer having to state it aloud.

I found a couple references to the meaning of circle pins (http://thevintagevillage.com/profiles/blogs/50s-circle-pins-do-they-have) and here for pretty pictures (http://mid2mod.blogspot.com/2011/08/back-in-day-circle-pins.html) but they seem a bit more vague than the aforementioned examples. Here's one about what the color of your cravat supposedly represents: http://academia-cravatica.hr/interesting-facts/speech  which I had not heard before.

Can you think of more examples? I don't write historicals so, while I'm enjoying my foray into vintage fashion research, I'm not well-versed in other "love language" representations that might exist in other times and cultures.

Jody Wallace
Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com  

(1) Herald, Jacqueline. Fashions of a Decade: The 1920s. BT Batsford Ltd, London, 1991. Page 30.

24 January 2013

13 Edits I Made In My Manuscript Recently

I'm writing a book set in the world of Pack and Coven. In this story, the hero is -- like the hero in Pack and Coven -- a shifter. He can turn into a wolf. I've been enjoying revisiting this world, but I'm finding myself somewhat indecisive about certain aspects of the manuscript... Read on for a glimpse into the writer-brain! Or just to feel sorry for me.

1: Just wrote a scene in hero POV when he's in wolf form and licks his no-no. Hahaha! So funny. I am amused.

2: Scene in hero POV where he's in wolf form and licks his no-no. Have I seen this in a book before? A book sort of like mine, I mean, not a spoof of paranormal romance. I didn't read Twilight. Did Jacob lick his no-no? Maybe I should take this scene back out. It might not be what genre readers are expecting.

3: Scene in hero POV where he's in wolf form and ... What's missing here? I have a note to myself to fill this spot in, and I don't know why. I should write better notes to myself. What's this about a no-no? OH WAIT. I remember. I've slept since then. Maybe I should put that back in, since it actually fits the pacing of the scene.

4: Yeah, delete delete delete.

5: I'm going to move on to the next scene. I AM! The scene where he... And finds his... Dammit. I can't move on to the next scene until the previous scene is done.

6: Scene in hero's POV where he's in wolf form... He's trying to really LOOK and ACT like an actual canine. Wouldn't it be realistic if he did lick his no-no? Yeah, better add that back in. Luckily I saved it.

7: There. That scene is done. Moving right along. Hero has managed to--while acting realistically like an animal instead of a shifter--sneak past the bad guys to the place where the heroine is. And when she sees him, since he's acting so much like an animal, she...

8: She'd know it was him, right? Does he need her to believe he's an animal? Should he act very much like a real animal HERE? Should I put the scene of him acting very much like a no-no licking animal HERE, to fool the heroine, so her expression doesn't give them away?

9: Come on. She knows it's him even if he does lick his no-no. And if he licks his no-no, she's never going to let him live that down. Her snort of laughter when he actually licks his no-no is going to clue the bad guys in that something is amiss, and I'm not ready for the big confrontation scene yet. So he absolutely cannot lick his no-no here.

10: But what about in the original spot, where he's just sneaking past the bad guys? And--I hate to say this--but I think I need to add details, so I should probably consider senses beyond vision in this scene. Hearing, smell, taste... OH GOD I AM SO CUTTING THIS PART.

11: NO! I am GENIUS! I'll make him PRETEND to lick his no-no, consciously, because he's good at subterfuge! He's layered!

12: He's... Yeah, I'm taking that back out.

13: This scene is so damn long! I think I may have a writerly disorder called "Cantshutupitis". I conceive of a story idea and flesh it out and worldbuild it and start writing it and it goes on and on and on and suddenly I'm at 80K but the story is only halfway over, so I have to keep going if I want to find out what happens. You know how it is. But I'm not about to toss 80K worth of work out the window just because it's not done yet since that would be wasted effort on my part, so I roll up my sleeves and plug in my laptop and get serious and try to finish it in 20K...40K...some reasonable amount of time, fearing, of course, that "rushed ending" syndrome I've seen readers complain about with books that are paced well until the end when it seemed like, I dunno, the author had to wrap things up in 10K because she had a 90K publisher-set limit? Something like that. Anyway, I just don't know what's wrong with me! Why can't I write 80K books? Where do all these words and plot twists COME from and why do they all have to be every book? I don't...

***

Hopefully when I finish this book, I'll land my publisher of preference and you'll be able to see this scene in action!

Jody W.
www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com

01 November 2012

Thirteen Dubious Halloween Candies

At Beyond the Veil in November, bloggers are going to be talking about romance genre heroines or the influence of history on our writing. Some might be talking about the influence of history on romance genre heroines...or romance heroines throughout history...because we have some particularly clever bloggers here. As I'm in a post-Halloween candy fugue, today I'm not one of them.


Today I'm lucky to be sharing a list of thirteen dubious types of candy in my kid's Halloween haul. None of these candies are contributors to my fugue today, I'm proud to say...

1) Eyeballs. We haven't opened one yet, but the foil wrapping looks like an eyeball. Wonder if it's chocolate?
2) Smaller eyeballs. These aren't in foil but are in unlabeled packaging. No label on the packaging makes me instantly dubious.
3) Squishy crab-shaped things. Packaging yet again has no labels. They look like gummy versions of the coconut crab (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coconut_crab) . Coconut is good, but the crab--no thanks. (However, these images are for your nightmares! http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/news-incredible-photos-coconut-crab?image=0)
4) Bones. I guess these are hard sugar candies? There's no label on the packaging. Shocker. I'm just not a fan of putting unlabeled food items in my mouth.
5) Pixie sticks. Dubious because...what is the point? There's chocolate to be had.
6) Candy corn. I know some folks enjoy the waxy edible, but I'd rather eat chocolate. Though I did crochet a jaunty candy corn hat that we all fight over on Halloween.
7) Halloween Peeps. Just no. Chocolate can't even save them; they're all around grody.
8) Tigerpops. It's a sucker. Is it full of tiger's blood? Will it make you act like Charlie Sheen?
9) Jawbreakers / Jawbusters (the package has both names). What is it, jaws of life for if you get a Tootsie Roll stuck between your teeth?
10) Christmas candy. Christmas. Candy. In October. Either somebody time traveled or this is some damn old chocolate. Into the trash with ye!
11) Laffy Taffy. After one nibble, trust me, you won't be laughing.
12) Flavor Morph. It's small, it's square, it's generic, and it's not chocolate. Nuff said.
13) Airheads. I don't even know what it is. Maybe I'll make one of the kids taste it so my mockery can be more specific next year.

Hopefully the rest of the bloggers this month will be more on topic! But at least I kept it short...

Sincerely,

Jody Wallace
Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist
http://www.jodywallace.com  * http://www.meankitty.com  

04 October 2012

Who Believes in the Bell Witch?

This month at BTV in honor of spooky October, many of us will be talking about ghost stories and local haunted house tales. I live in Tennessee, and one of the most prominent Tennessee Tales of Terror is the story of the Bell Witch. In fact, the Bell Witch cave is only a couple miles from the house of a crit partner of mine, though neither of us have ever been.

Growing up, the main thing I knew about the Bell Witch was that if you went into the bathroom after dark, closed your eyes, chanted, "I believe in the Bell Witch" 3 or 10 or 13 times, and then opened your eyes, you would see her in the mirror. Right there, scary as any retinal adjustment to a change in illumination *heh*. I don't think I ever made it to 13 times.

The legend itself doesn't appear to stem from some horrific witch-burning incident or ax murdering psycho, as so many haunting tales do. No, it was some ticked off neighbor lady named Kate who took offense to the Bell family and poltergeisted them (in particular the dad and one of the girls) for a number of years.

Naturally my writer's mind wanted to make sense of it (She had an affair with the dad! The girl was engaged to her half-brother, unbeknownst to her!), which apparently isn't a rare reaction, as a number of movies, books and stories revolve around the legend. The About.com page suggests the girl's teacher was in love with her and wanted to scare off her fiance, who did eventually leave, and the girl ended up married to the teacher.
(http://paranormal.about.com/od/trueghoststories/a/aa041706.htm)

According to the official website, tales of the Bell Witch stretch back to 1817. According to the Wiki, movies it inspired include The Bell Witch Haunting, The Bell Witch, An American Haunting and the Blair Witch Project. I don't think I've ever seen any of those, either, since I'm not a huge fan of horror. Nor have I heard the "2 piece doom band" with the name Bell Witch: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Bell-Witch/136264673108884  (I know, right??) Also tons of books and such at Amazon, which are too numerous to list.


You can find out more about the Bell Witch at the official site: http://www.bellwitchcave.com/

Here's another webpage dedicated to the Bell Witch by author/historician Pat Fitzhugh, who's also written books about the legend: http://www.bellwitch.org/home.htm

Wiki Page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell_Witch

For those of you who aren't wholesale believers in ghosts, here's a skeptical review of the legend: http://mtskeptics.homestead.com/BellWitch.html

And if you're a fan in general, there's a fan site: http://www.bellwitchfansite.com/ which claims it has exclusive pictures and videos, woohoo!

Have you ever been inspired by local haunting tales to write a story?


Jody Wallace and Meankitty
Making the Internet Cattier Since 1999
http://www.meankitty.com * http://www.jodywallace.com

06 September 2012

13 SF/F TV Shows

It's a good time to be a fan of paranormal, fantasy and SF TV! Or a bad time, depending on how much you appreciate being glued to the tube. Back in the days before the ubiquitous 3000 channels of cable, you were lucky to get two or three stations clearly. Options were limited. Now, television watching is splintered into many channels, many methods, many preferences. You can watch it live on the aforementioned 3000 channels; you can tape it and watch later; you can stream it online; you can Hulu it; you can Netflix it; and so on and so forth.

What this means for fans of speculative stories -- like we all are here at Beyond the Veil! -- is that you actually have choices! Just ten years ago, I'd make lists of the (US-aring) shows that included speculative (SF/F/paranormal) content in a newsletter I used to edit. I could actually come up with a relatively complete list every year, with measurements of that show's sf/f and romantic content. Today, my own arsenal of shows on my TiVo plus ten minutes of web surfing provided me a list of names probably four times as long as what I used to report on...and it was just the tip of the iceberg.

So I thought, since today is Thursday, I'd list thirteen shows with a brief explanation of their premise and then a relatively neutral measurement (1-10) of their sf/f content and their romance content.

1) Lost Girl: The world is inhabited by a race of Fae who feed on or otherwise utilize humans while not letting humans know the Fae exist. Light Fae don't kill humans; Dark Fae are happy to kill anyone. Heroine Bo is an unaligned succubus torn between Light and Dark. SF/F content: 8. Very urban fantasy-style worldbuilding with Fae powers usually being crucial to each episode. The world of the Fae is the main world explored. ROMANCE content: 8. Bo as a succubus has a lot of sex and there are a number of romances on the show, both with Bo and her Fae or human friends. The romance is always there, simmering.

2) Warehouse 13: A secret branch of the government collects supernatural "artifacts" and stores them in a hidden warehouse to keep them from ruining the world and stuff. Main characters are the warehouse agents and others involved in the operation. SF/F content: 7. Steampunky/science fantasy. The agents are sent after various artifacts each week that could usually destroy the world if not controlled. ROMANCE content: 4. Not the main focus of the show, although the plots do sometimes touch on romancey relationships.

3) Alphas: Superpowered humans live amongst us, and a secret group involved with the government is trying to keep a lid on the ones who are destructive. SF/F content: 6. While the alphas' abilities get used every week, there is a huge dollop of human drama and interaction as well. ROMANCE content: 5-7. Some of the characters have romances, and judging by Season 2, which just started, these threads may become more influential. Season 1, I'd have said the romance was more like a 3-4 influence on the show.

4) Haven: A spooky Maine town (are there other kinds?) is inhabited by people with dire abilities and/or curses (the troubles), usually not in control of them; the police, who have abilities/curses of their own, realize that it's getting worse. SF/F content: 5. This show is mythology-heavy, with the characters' and towns' backstories influencing many episodes, and the backstories are troubles-laden. ROMANCE content: 7. The first two seasons, the characters dabbled in romances, but a swing at at the end of the last season showed that romance may be taking center-stage in the new season.

5) Being Human: Paranormal roomies live together and try to pass as human, or at least not kill people. SF/F content: 8. Like Lost Girl, this show has an urban fantasy vibe, but darker and angstier. The characters' non-humanness and other nonhumans frequently influence episode structure. ROMANCE content: 8. Finding love can be hard when you are tempted to eat people. This doesn't feel like the kind of show that will have a lot of HEA love stories, though!

6) Supernatural: 2 extremely good-looking demon-hunting brothers repeatedly go to Hell and back as they strive to save the world and each other. SF/F content: 7. Human foibles and personalities are not given short shrift, although the Winchesters do spend a majority of their time fighting supernatural evil, each other, etc. ROMANCE content: 5. The important relationships in the show are more familial, although legions of fangirls squee (with good reason) anytime the brothers engage in romantic escapades. Note: I haven't watched the show since Season 4 and may be off on this proportion.

7) Grimm: In a world where paranormals try to exist in secret amonst humans (anyone sense a theme yet??), special "Grimms" can see who's paranormal and have made it their purpose in life to take them out...until our hero, a Grimm, comes along. SF/F content: 7. Our hero confronts various realities of this hidden paranormal world in every episode as well as his heritage, which comes with a healthy dose of mythology and bigger story arcs. ROMANCE content: 4. Hero begins the show in a healthy relationship for the most part, but that relationship is tested by his secret knowledge.

8) True Blood: In a world where paranormals have started outing themselves to humans, a batch of characters in Louisiana continually find themselves in the middle of blood, sex and chaos. SF/F content: 9. This show, based on the Charlaine Harris books, is about what it's like to exist as a supernatural with a few humans thrown in for balance. ROMANCE content: 10. That's sort of what the show revolves around. Sookie's nookie. That and vampires biting people.

9) Game of Thrones: Fantasy-medieval setting and large cast of characters, all striving to coexist, or rule, the smallish kingdom where the majority of the cast lives or wants to live. SF/F content: 4. Much of the setting is medieval/historical, but more threads of the supernatural have begun filtering in. ROMANCE content: 4. While people, mostly females, get naked constantly on the show, all the romances feel doomed, and the main emphasis seems to be on the political struggles, with sexxoring mixed in to screw, haha, stuff up.

10) The Walking Dead: Post-zombie apocalyptic world where the survivors have to avoid or kill the zombies and keep from killing each other as well. SF/F content: 4. I gather the zombies are the only supernatural element. ROMANCE content: unknown. I don't watch the show, but I haven't heard that the romance is a draw.

11) Falling Skies: Post-alien apocalyptic world where the survivors have to avoid or kill aliens and keep from killing each other as well! SF/F content: 5. The fact that aliens took over Earth and kidnapped and harnessed kids and continue to kill humans has a huge influence on the plots, although the other aspects are more survivalist. ROMANCE content: 3. The relationships and human dramas do not revolve around romances, although there are romantic aspects I wouldn't want to spoil.

12) Doctor Who: Time-traveling beings who can reincarnate as different actors as needed take on human companions in their quest to protect the timeline and Earth and stuff. SF/F content: 8. ROMANCE content: 4. I do not watch Doctor Who, so if you want to fill in these blanks, please do!

13) Vampire Diaries: Angsty teens, old vampires who look like teens and other supernaturals mix it up in a small town, complete with lots of mythology arcs. SF/F content: 7. ROMANCE content: 8. I do not watch Vampire Diaries, so if you want to fill in these blanks, please do!

NEW SHOWS FOR 2012:
Arrow - new
666 Park Avenue - new
Beauty and the Beast - new
Defiance - new
Revolution - new

So what glues you to the tube? Anything? Nothing? Want to do a brief rundown on any shows I missed?

Jody Wallace
When is an alpha not an alph-ass?
Pack and Coven: http://www.jodywallace.com

08 August 2012

Ten Typical Summer Activities for Write-At-Home Parents

Ten Typical Summer Activities (for romance writer parents with kids at home)

1) Answering questions! Like: Can we spray paint in the house? Can we jump on the bed? Why does the cat's skin look so funny when you cut the hair off it? Where are my shoes? Why can't I have candy? Why is it SO HOT outside? Are you done writing yet? Why do we have to take a bath? What's for dinner? What's that? EWWWW! (Not a question, but still requires an answer)

2) Cleaning up after kids! Like: spray paint in the house, beds that look like buffalos stampeded them, cat hair all over the carpet, shoes mysteriously behind the washing machine, candy stuck in hair, bathrooms with an inch of water in the floor and a bunch of towels, dirty dishes, etc.

3) Researching your book! Including: No, don't come look at my computer. I know it made noise, but DO NOT come look. Get out of my room. What do you mean, why do those men have no clothes on? It's a movie trailer. About men. No, I don't know if there are any princesses in it. No, it's not Disney. It's called Magic Mike. No, there are no wizards. No, that isn't Harry Potter. Well, it's very hot where they work and they took their clothes off. Yes, like I do when I get a hot flash. Look, you really need to go spray paint the cat now so I can get back to work.

4) Writing your book! (see items 1-3 for potential interruptions)

5) Writing your book some more!
DAY ONE: The first line. No, honey, Mommy is working today. The first page. Seriously, honey, we all talked about this. I have to work today. The first line again. Kids, I'm really serious now. If you come in here again, no more TV all day. The first chapter. Yes, I know it's lunchtime...fix some cereal. Remember, we had an agreement. If you two want to go to the pool, you have to leave me alone today. The first paragraph of the second chapter. Yes, you can turn on the TV. I was just kidding about no TV. But seriously. Let me work in peace. The next two pages of the second chapter. YOU DID WHAT??? *clean, clean, clean.* The first chapter again, adding a murder on the second page. The first line again. The first paragraph again to foreshadow the murder. The first page again. God, I'm tired of this chapter. Why can't I get focused on it? I suck. I think I'll just skip ahead. The third chapter. No, I'm not taking you to the pool right now. The agreement was to leave me alone ALL DAY, and you haven't exactly kept up your end of the bargain. Oh, quit crying. Guys, quit crying. DO NOT EAT THAT.
DAY TWO: DELETE DOCUMENT. Start again. The first line....

6) Editing your manuscript! Tips include: how to increase the heat in your love scenes when the kids are fighting over action figures behind your recliner; deepening character motivation when the only thing you want to do is hide in your bathroom; and what to do when your little kids get big enough...to read your manuscript over your shoulder.

7) Reading for research and pleasure! Note: since your little kids are big enough to read over your shoulder, you will need to purchase an ebook reader or fancy phone. Note 2: since your little kids also like to play with electronics, you will need to keep your ebook reader or fancy phone out of their reach. Note 3: This will mean your ebook reader and fancy phone can only come out after the kids go to bed. Note 4: Which, in the summer, is hellishly late. Note 5: But you can still crawl into bed after a fun day of writing and fighting and do your pleasure reading then! Note 6: Take out a warranty on your ebook reader or fancy phone, because it may not turn on after the 8th time it slides off the bed while you sleep and into the floor, to be stepped on by the child who gets up at 2 AM to let you know "she's just going to pee...she's not puking...don't worry, Mom."

8) Book shopping! On the list: the next book in your favorite urban fantasy series, that hot NYT bestseller... Hm, what, honey? Yes, there's a nice tie on my book. What's it about? Oh, um, art. You know, all the different versions of grey. No, you can't read it. Yes, I agree, you're a great artist, that's why you don't need to read it. Can you sit down right here and look at...Mommy's fancy phone while I... No, wait, not my Kindle app! Play this game. Yes. Now, where was I?
A debut author's book I heard about on Twitter, an ebook reader clip-on light, a book about dinosaur poop... Hey! Who wrote this on my list? Dad did? Oh, really? I guess we can get it. It is a book. Where was I? Oh.

The latest romance from... No, you can't have that. Put that back. If you break it... Yes, I guess we're buying it. Because it's broken. No, I'm not going to get the one that isn't broken. Yes, I know it's broken, but you broke it. What good will it be for the next kid who wants one? They don't want a broken one either. No, I'm not taking it out of your allowance. You already lost your allowance because you... Oh, Dad gave it to you? Oh, really? Well, maybe he doesn't get this shit book then, because I told him not to. Hush, I know I cussed. Because I'm a grown up and grown ups get to cuss. No, you can't... Stop saying that. Because it's ugly. Look, can you just get the one that isn't broken so we can go?

9) Fun outdoor water activities! Including: Somebody go water the plants. Did you turn off the hose? Somebody go back out there and turn off the hose. There's a what on the handle? A spider? You turned it on, didn't you? Was it there when you turned it on? Just spray it off with the hose...seeing as you left it on and all. How did you get so wet? You're dripping on the hardwood floor, take off your... Yes, I see that, you're Magic Mike. Uh-huh, it was very hot outside, except for the cold water you used to spray yourself and that spider. Did you turn off the hose? Why didn't you... NO NO NO DO NOT GO OUTSIDE NAKED! Come back here!

10) Invigorating family vacations! Favorite location: Grandma's house. I know we went to the beach last year, but this year we're going to Grandma's. Oh, your friend went to Disneyworld? We'll go when you're older. Old enough to drive, probably. And get a job. Ok, I'm kidding, the real answer is never. Why? No, we aren't poor. Because we like having a small house, it's easier to clean. Because you two kids never help Mommy and Daddy clean it, is why it stays dirty. No, it's not because I'm always on the computer. How can I always be on the computer when I'm constantly getting off the computer to do things for you? Grandma has a computer. And a hose. Oh, I think Grandma would love that. It's probably not quite as hot at Grandma's house as it is at our house. No, I don't think Grandma knows who Magic Mike is. Probably. But you never know with Grandma.

Any other writer parents out there with exciting summer stories to share?


 
School starts in 3 days.

Jody W.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com

PS: latest release, Stalking Evan! There is some Magic Miking going on in here too. http://www.jodywallace.com/fiction/stalkingevan.htm

12 July 2012

Wild Worlds of Webby Research

Today, for the sequel to my paranormal romance Pack and Coven, I conceived of a great need to research tattoos. Imagine my arachnophobic flinch when one of the first tattoo images I stumbled across, on WIKIUBIQUITOUSPEDIA no less, was of this:

(Link to page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tattoo)

Naturally I had to share it on Twitter, where I merrily ruined several people's days with that vision.

So I thought I'd ruin all of your days, too! Provided you have arachnophobia, anyway. Here's a couple links to the most eyepoppy spider tattoo images I found today:

1) An under-ear spider: http://www.tattoomuch.com/under-ear-3d-shadow-spider/ FLINCH! Do you think people smack her in the neck a lot?

2) A grouping of "horrific" spider tattoos (their descrip, not mine): http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/taturday-horrific-spider-tattoos. Some are artsier than others, and might not incur as much newspaper swatting or fainting by the extremely arachnophobic among us.

3) A less creepy design that focuses on the web, instead of the poisonous arachnid lurking in the recesses of your closet: http://101tattoos.com/478/spider-tattoo-design-5/

4) Some girl's leg: http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Spider_Tattoo.htm although the comments are a lot more heinous than the creepy tattoo.

5) A guy with web for brains, literally: http://papatod.deviantart.com/art/Spider-Web-Tattoo-56072119 With a tattoo like this, you could grow your hair out before a job interview and look totes normal!

6) And of course our list wouldn't be complete with an ode to one of the arachnalicious stars of some of the most fiscally rewarding action movies of our time: http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/basketball/blog/the_dagger/post/UC-Irvine-guard-sports-incredibly-awesome-Spider?urn=ncaab-290392 Since movies and adaptations are the theme for this month, I had to add this! Plus, that dude isn't as hard on the eyes as many other individuals possessed of Spidey tats that I ran across today.

I also discovered today that tattoo websites tend to have a lot of scary pop-ups windows that claim they can remove all (personal information) viruses from your infected computer, earn you a new (stolen identity) Ipad, and gift you with (Trojans) naked pictures of hot women. Suddenly I am not looking forward to researching the art of tattoos for this book as I was when I started...

Jody W.
www.jodywallace.com * www.meankitty.com

17 May 2012

Why Join a Fan Club?

This month at BTV, we've been discussing fans, fandom and fanning. Well, nobody has talked about fanning, unless you count the fanning one might need to do after seeing the book cover of Bianca D'Arc's new release: http://paranormalauthors.blogspot.com/2012/05/brotherhood-of-blood-wolf-hills.html. Other fanny (heehee!) posts include

http://paranormalauthors.blogspot.com/2012/05/what-im-fan-of.html -- Amy Ruttan, with a list of 10 things she is a fan of.

http://paranormalauthors.blogspot.com/2012/05/im-fan-of-fans.html -- Sela Carsen, writing about what it's like as an author to be fans of other authors.

http://paranormalauthors.blogspot.com/2012/05/celebration-of-fans.html -- A Catherine Noon, writing about all types of fans, from Chicago fans to Star Trek fans.

http://paranormalauthors.blogspot.com/2012/05/celebrating-fan-in-all-of-us.html -- Jean Marie Ward, writing about fanfiction before the days of 50 Shades of Twilight, I mean, Grey.


I myself have experienced fandom from both sides. While I never wrote fanfiction, aside from one Supernatural spoof I wrote for a friend, I read quite a bit of fanfiction of a show I wanted to love but which was failing to live up to its potential. What drove me to read the fanfiction was my disappointment in the show, though, and I gather that what drives a majority of folks to read fanfiction or write it themselves is their love for a show or book series. I did grow out of my disgruntledness (is that even a word??) and even managed to make myself a few great friends to show for my time in the fanfic trenches, which is one of the things Jean Marie discussed in her blog (linked above).


From the other direction, one of my creative endeavors used to have tons of fans worldwide because I shared something with the world of which I am a huge fan. No, not my publishing career -- I only wish I had tons of fans worldwide! -- but my cat's website, www.meankitty.com. Back in the nascent days of the internet, before LOLCats (DAMN THEM!), Meankitty.com got thousands of hits a day. She got lots of fan mail and plenty of submissions of new cats for her gallery. She also got hate mail, but it was more of a hoot than most of the fan mail. The things people feel compelled to yell at you about because you happen to maintain a funny website about cats is pretty incredible. And, as with my fanfic reading, I met several folks through Meankitty with whom I've stayed in touch.

I don't know what fans did in the days before the internet -- write lots of letters to Shawn Cassidy on pink notebook paper, I guess, and Jean Marie also talked about the old-style fanclub newsletters -- but I do think the internet has definitely facilitated fan culture. Folks from all over can meet groups of "their people", no matter where everyone lives. There's something for everyone.

And why join a fan club? Sometimes it's that group, that culture, that lures in and pleases the fans as much as the original show, series or activity (like knitting!). I've heard such amazing things about DragonCon, for example, and other large conventions geared toward fans, and it makes me want to go, just to immerse myself in people who...who love cool stuff! Even though I'm not a particular fan of their obsessions, I think I'd really enjoy it.

Well, except for the fact I don't like large crowds. Or being too hot. Definitely not a fan of large crowds and being too hot.

So what fan clubs are you in? What punches YOUR fandom buttons? Love of a show...or disappointment in it? Love of a fandom...or an actor or actress? Love of yarn? Love of cats who can't spell? Whatever it is that you love, there's probably a fan club and a fandom out there for it. And if you want to join the "Jody Wallace, Author" fanclub, first you'll need to be the president, and then you'll need to find some other members (PS Don't even bother asking my MOM, she hates my books), and then I'll help you guys come up with a secret handshake. Just let me know!

Jody Wallace
When is an alpha not an alph-ass?
Pack and Coven: http://www.jodywallace.com

22 March 2012

13 Things I Didn't Do Today

Some days run smoothly, and at the end of the day you truly feel like you made an impact. You made an impact on the world, on the laundry hamper, on a project at work, on whatever it is you intended to do that day. For a writer who works out of the home, a day that leaves me feeling productive is one in which I managed to write a certain number of new words, edit a good block of text, outline a book, sign a contract, send out queries or requests for information, balance my sales spreadsheets, create a cover, update a blog or website, stuff like that.

However, as the person in my marital relationship who works out of the house, sick kid daytime duty tends to fall to me, so a kid at home pretty much means no career work that day. I can sneak in a thing or two...like I'm doing right now...but any moment, I'll hear that siren call of, "Mom, I need a bucket!"

Here are 13 Things I Didn't Do Today Because I Had a Sick Child at Home:

1) Housecleaning (because I TOTALLY had that on the agenda)
2) Watching an R rated movie (see above).
3) Working on my WIP.
4) Practicing my tap routine.
5) Taking a nap.
6) Enjoying silence.
7) Researching half naked stock photos for cover art possibilities.
8) Updating Meankitty.com.
9) Running any errands, besides the doctor visit.
10) Eating lunch on my own schedule.
11) Figuring out where that weird smell is coming from.
12) Answering all the emails in my inbox.
13) Composing a blog post that isn't a blatant, last-ditch effort.

***

Granted, I should probably look at it more like 13 things I DID do today and be grateful I have the luxury to stay home with a sick child and make a comforting impact on her, but that's really schmoopy and upbeat, which is just not who I am :).

So what did you not do today? Okay, okay. Be schmoopy. What DID you do today that makes you feel as useful as "holding the bucket"?
Jody W.
www.jodywallace.com  * www.meankitty.com

08 March 2012

13 F-ed Up Reasons To Download My Fantasy Novella

This is Read an Ebook Week, did you hear? As part of the Festivities, I've allowed my Fantasy novella, A Mage By Any Other Name, to go FREE at Amazon.com, as this is its last month available exclusively at Amazon. It will be free until March 10. Here is the link: http://www.amazon.com/Mage-Any-Other-Name-ebook/dp/B006RO3LVS

Quick Blurb: Mary's new job with Wizard Williwim is perfect. Through gainful employment and access to the classified central library, she hopes to discover a route to the respect and approval she yearns for. For years she’s attempted one plan after another, and this one appears to be working.

But Mary’s life has never been that easy. When an enemy from her past reappears to endanger everything she has nearly achieved, she has to decide whether to confess some dangerous secrets she’s been hiding.

A tricky choice, when those secrets could lead to her and Williwim being cast out of the district...or being very, very dead.

Anyway, if you need further convincing, here are 13.5 F-'d up reasons to click on that link:

1) It's Free.

2) It's Funny.

3) It's Fantasy.

4) It's Feminist-ish.

5) It's Frabjuous.

6) It's (not) Feeble.

7) It's From Jody Wallace (because I KNOW this is convincing).

8) It's Funky, kind of.

9) It's Frisky, but not that kind of.

10) It's Fresh (only 2.5 months old!)

11) It's Fairly well edited (me and mine are good at the spelling, yo!)

12) It's Full of worldbuildy goodness.

13a) It's Feudal. Not as in feuds, but as in, based in a somewhat feudal system of government, owing to it being a relatively standard fantasy novel set in a pseudo-Middle Ages era that should be FAMILIAR to readers of this genre but still accessible to readers not as familiar with the genre.

13b) Come to think of it, it's Feudy too. There is a definite feud in the book that influences the progression of the plot.

Until March 10, then. Have at it and avast and stuff!

Jody W.
So much cyberspace, so little time!
www.jodywallace.com  / www.meankitty.com

21 February 2012

Learning from Reviews: Is It Possible?

I've had books published since 2005 and have been getting reviews all that time. Not as many as most authors, but enough that I've seen the ups and downs of that aspect of the industry. Here is a compilation of what I have learned from reviews and reader responses, both for my books and other people's books:

1) Don't put a secondary plot in your erotic romance. The focus should be on the couple's relationship and sexxoring.

2) Don't forget to put a secondary plot in your erotic romance that is outside the bedroom. If the focus is only on the sexxoring, the book and characters can come across as shallow and self-centered.

3) Don't write one dimensional villains who exist only to be evil toward the protagonists.

4) Don't focus on your villains so much that the protagonists become bland by comparison. The villian cannot be the most interesting part of the book or it's not a romance.

5) Don't forget to do your research and include it in the book. And be sure to research everything, like whether or not the story takes place in a state where people are allowed to pump their own gas. No details can be left unturned. Otherwise readers will know you don't care about providing a quality product.

6) Don't overwhelm your readers with your research. Otherwise readers will put your book down because it is boring and infodumpy.

7) Don't write any more books about vampires and werewolves...please! They are overdone, and readers long for something new.

8) Please write more books about vampires and werewolves. They are fascinating, and readers long for more exciting stories about character types they love.

9) Don't include too much profanity in your fiction. While it may be accurate in your chosen setting or time period, it gets old, fast, and readers would rather see a varied vocabulary.

10) Don't exclude profanity from your fiction if you're writing characters who would naturally curse. Otherwise it comes off as unrealistic and readers will know you didn't do the research (see #5).

11) Don't write your female characters as passive, childlike or TSTL, and OMG don't describe their hands as "tiny". It's 2012. Females can be...anything. They can be proactive and strong. Probably they can even pee while standing up AND hit the bowl if they work really hard at it. (But, yanno, don't describe THAT.)

12) Don't let your kick-ass female protagonist overshadow your male protagonist(s) or he will come across as weak. If she is strong, he must show that he is strong enough for (or, yanno, stronger than) her or he is not sexy.

13) Don't expound on certain details, like food and drink items. Sure, it's delicious, but that's not what the book is about, is it? Unless you're writing a cookbook.

14) Don't forget to leave in certain details, like the deliciousness of food and drink items. It's realistic, it enhances character POV and really brings a reader into a story world.

15) Don't write any more secret baby plots. It's an irresponsible way for characters to behave.

16) Don't forget to write more secret baby plots. Readers love them; they're so heart-wrenching.

17) Don't include "issues" in romance novels. That isn't why readers like to read romance.

18) Don't forget to include some serious content, even "issues", in some romance novels. There's no reason they can't be about realistic aspects of life and people surviving it and fighting for what they believe.

19) Don't make the female character overweight or plain while the male character is totally gorgeous. That is not believable. Like marries like.

20) Don't make the female character totally gorgeous. Many readers find it hard to relate to her, especially if she doesn't know she's gorgeous ("mouth too wide for beauty"..."bosom too lush for the current fashion"). Or if does know she's gorgeous, because then she's a bitch. I forget which -- maybe both. However, the male character needs to be quite attractive. Otherwise the reader can't fall in love with him too.

21) Don't write in first person. So sick of that!

22) Don't write everything in third person. Books in first person are a great, refreshing change.

23) Don't include epilogues. If it's worth sharing, it goes in the body of the story, and an epilogue is lazy.

24) Don't forget epilogues. Readers love to drop in on the characters down the road, however briefly. It's like an unexpected gift after a story is over.

25) Don't make fun of readers and reviewers, not even with your tongue in your cheek.

Oopsie!

***

I defied item #7 this month because I released a book about werewolves and witches. It's called Pack and Coven, in which the hairy, but not too hairy, hero and the witchy, but not bitchy, heroine have quite the adventure. I'm also running a contest for a $25 gift card on my blog until February 29. All you have to do to enter is violate item #13 and tell me about the deliciousness of some tea-room style food you'd like to eat. http://blog.jodywallace.com/2012/02/pack-and-coven-release-and-contest.html

Jody Wallace
When is an alpha not an alph-ass?
Pack and Coven: http://www.jodywallace.com

PS: I confess. It's possible I took a lot of this from this fun, 4-year thread in the Amazon forums and not actually from reviews! http://www.amazon.com/forum/romance?_encoding=UTF8&cdForum=FxM42D5QN2YZ1D&cdThread=Tx1U9IFOLVQRGXV  So if you like to talk to other readers about your reading preferences -- and you promise not to self promote, should you happen to be a writer in your secret life -- you may like that forum! But don't tell them I sent you, considering what I did re: item #25.

25 January 2012

13 Things Your Kids Might Do While You're Trying To Write A Sex Scene

13 Things Your Kids Might Do While You're Trying To Write A Sex Scene:

1) Turn on Phineas and Ferb really, really loud.

2) After you point out you're trying to write and they can't watch TV right now, sit behind your recliner and fight, making sure to jolt your favorite writing chair repeatedly.

3) Try to read over your shoulder because they are "bored". And one of them can't even READ, so she has to ask you what it says.

4) Let the cats out when the cats aren't allowed to be out and then run around yelling about it, which of course scares the cats even further from the safety of the front door.

5) Break stuff in the kitchen when getting the cats a "treat" to lure them back into the house.

6) When being punished with a time out in their bedroom for not behaving while you're trying to write, fall off the top bunk.

7) Pretend they have broken a body part when there is nothing actually wrong.

8) When being punished for pretending to have broken a body part when there is nothing actually wrong, hurl themselves onto the couch so repentantly that the couch cushions ricochet into the floor. Totally accidentally.

9) Pile up the couch cushions and use them as a springboard to leap onto the couch, where they are supposed to be sitting quietly since they are being punished.

10) Stick a foot through the bottom liner of the couch underneath where the cushions are supposed to be and scream with intense fear and pain as if their foot is being eaten by an alligator.

11) Argue with--let's call it "great passion"--that the ripping and tearing of the couch is not in any way their fault because all they were trying to do was sit quietly while they were being punished, but the couch cushions are too stupid and stupidly refused to stay on the couch where they belong, necessitating the behavior that resulted in the ripping and tearing. Which was not their fault.

12) While being punished for arguing with--let's call it "great passion"--and the use of certain words in reference to their parents' IQ, slump in sullen silence in your writing chair because the couch is, after all, ripped and torn, and the bedroom contains that evil, possibly limb-breaking bunk bed, and the kitchen floor has broken stuff that needs to be vacuumed up, and the dining room is really just an extension of the kitchen, and no way in hell are they having their time out in YOUR bedroom, because it's the only place left in the house outside the bathrooms where you can possibly get any peace.

13) Lock yourself in your bedroom with computer, in your NOT favorite chair, and realize you absolutely cannot write a sex scene, because it could possibly result in your hero and heroine getting pregnant, and you want them to have a HAPPY ending to their book.

Sincerely,

Jody Wallace
www.jodywallace.com  * www.meankitty.com

PS: No children were harmed in the writing of this Thursday Thirteen. Can't say the same about the couch.

01 December 2011

13 Things That Did Not Happen In Claustrophobic Christmas

13 Things That Would Have Made It Even Harder for Darcy and James to Get Their Romance On

My latest Samhain release doesn’t have anything paranormal in it, I'm embarrassed to admit. It's the tale of snow-crossed lovers stuck in a holiday traffic jam on the interstate. I know, I know, how can you make a sexy situation out of a traffic jam?? Well, let's just say it was cold and they needed to cuddle together for body heat.

Anyway, a reader / Meankitty fan emailed me to say the book would have been a lot funnier if one of the protagonists had been travelling with a bad cat. Yes, yes it would have. But would I have been able to make it a sexy romance? I'm not so sure.

So here's a list of 13 things that would have seriously challenged to my ability to make this traffic jam tale romantic. (Meankitty helped make this list.)

1) One of the protagonists was travelling with a bad cat.

2) One of the protagonists was travelling with a bad cat...and the other was travelling with a bad dog.

3) One of the protagonists was travelling with a bad cat...and the other was travelling with a bad dog who had recently been sprayed by a skunk.

4) One of the protagonists was travelling with a bad cat...and the other was travelling with a bad dog who had recently been sprayed by a skunk and also had diarrhea.

5) One of the protagonists was travelling with a cat...and the other was travelling with a bad dog with diarrhea who had recently been sprayed by a skunk and it was not just any dog but a Saint Bernard.

6) One of the protagonists was travelling with a cat...and the other was travelling with a bad dog with diarrhea who had recently been sprayed by a skunk and it was not just any dog but a Saint Bernard. Also, the Saint Bernard was named "Dumb-ass."

7) One of the protagonists was travelling with a cat...and the other was travelling with a bad Saint Bernard with diarrhea, Dumb-ass, who had recently been sprayed by a skunk, and all of a sudden, because the protagonists were being romantic instead of paying attention, Dumb-ass escaped from the car.

8) One of the protagonists was travelling with a cat...and the other was travelling with a bad Saint Bernard with diarrhea, Dumb-ass, who had recently been sprayed by a skunk, and all of a sudden, because the protagonists were being romantic instead of paying attention, Dumb-ass escaped from the car and ran across the road, where he jumped in the open window of a police cruiser.

9) One of the protagonists was travelling with a cat...and the other was travelling with a bad Saint Bernard with diarrhea, Dumb-ass, who had recently been sprayed by a skunk, and all of a sudden, because the protagonists were being romantic instead of paying attention, Dumb-ass escaped from the car and ran across the road, where he jumped in the open window of a police cruiser and started homping the policeman.

10) One of the protagonists was travelling with a wonderful cat...and the other was travelling with a bad Saint Bernard with diarrhea, Dumb-ass, who had recently been sprayed by a skunk, and all of a sudden, because the protagonists were being romantic instead of paying attention, Dumb-ass escaped from the car andran across the road, where he jumped in the open window of a police cruiser and started homping the policeman. When the protagonists went after the dog, the policeman thought it was a set-up and whipped out a gun.

11) One of the protagonists was travelling with a lovely cat...and the other was travelling with a bad Saint Bernard with diarrhea, Dumb-ass, who had recently been sprayed by a skunk, and all of a sudden, because the protagonists were being romantic instead of paying attention, Dumb-ass escaped from the car andran across the road, where he jumped in the open window of a police cruiser and started homping the policeman. When the protagonists went after the dog, the policeman thought it was a set-up and whipped out a gun. He arrested the protagonists for public indecency and arrested the dog for assault and battery and...other stuff.

12) One of the protagonists was travelling with an oh so well behaved cat...and the other was travelling with a bad Saint Bernard with diarrhea, Dumb-ass, who had recently been sprayed by a skunk, and all of a sudden, because the protagonists were being romantic instead of paying attention, Dumb-ass escaped from the car andran across the road, where he jumped in the open window of a police cruiser and started homping the policeman. When the protagonists went after the dog, the policeman thought it was a set-up and whipped out a gun. He arrested the protagonists for public indecency and arrested the dog for assault and battery and...other stuff. Their brief stay in the county lockup fostered great resentment in the protagonists for one another, as each blamed the other for having the great idea to pass the time in the traffic jam with some sexxy sexxy, and they never spoke to each other again.

13) One of the protagonists was travelling with a very smart cat...who cleverly hissed at spat at the dog-owner until the romance was nipped in the bud before any of that crap happened. But it was a pretty good story about a cat and her human, in the end.

If you'd like to see how the story ACTUALLY went, you can check it out at my website, where there are buy links and the first chapter is free. Neither Darcy nor James has a pet :).

So, would you read Meankitty's version of the story? Would it be romantic?

Jody W. (w/a Ellie Marvel)
Claustrophobic Christmas - November 2011. All ice will melt.
www.elliemarvel.com * www.meankitty.com