02 November 2007

Don't go Fishing in the Moat

A.K.A. What Happens in DunVegas, Sorta Happens in DunVegas.

So, here you are. You've scrimped, saved, sold your auntie's jewelry and hawked a few tons of ancient Persian antiques and you've done it. You've bought a week's party vacation time for you and your girl in the ritzy spot on The Strip, DunVegas. So with pool parties, crap shoots, baccarat and slots to keep you both amused during the day, and hot tubs, whirlpools, sauna’s and other more esoteric entertainments to tickle your fancies at night. But strangely, you’re stuck. What should you take your girl to try? Take a skinny dip in the aquarium to kiss the kraken and meld with the mermaid? Fish for selkie in the moat? Toss up your chips at the poker table? Or should you find the latest in lean cuisine and try the famous DunVegas rat on a stick? What little tricks will have her oohing in delight and melting, naked, into your arms at night?

Well, never fear. Our special Agent Double D.3 has risked life, limb and baccarat to troll hidden delights in the pleasures of DunVegas. Want to know what really, tickles her nipples, and dampens her panties? And why a brown poker chip will make her giddy, and a white one will require you undertaking genital surgery. So gather your cash, and be prepared to spend with Agent Double D.3's special report on What Happens in DunVegas, Sorta Happens in DunVegas:

Agent Double D.3 reports :

1. Vampires: Well, Duckiepoo, let’s face it. You’re not going to be doing much during the day, so you’re going to have to grin and bite it while your sexy sweetheart flashes about the place in her barely concealing shorts and Tee. Be patient and bide your time, try to ignore her tales of super hunks, and swimming pool flirtations. When the moon comes out, you can swagger to the poker table, with your beloved on your arm. Now’s the time to use your special skills, charm the pants, shirt and chips off your opponents and win tons of money. Make sure you give your lass a brown chip or two. These little 5000 dollar markers, the instant panty remover, will soften her up. When you get her back to your room, and tipsy on champagne, a special version of Texas Hold-‘Em will make her, ooh, through the night. Warning, under no circumstances believe a handful of white will make her happy. Around here a dollar chip isn't even enough to make a ten percent deposit for a cola, let alone buy one and you may find a dainty stiletto heel embedded in your groin.

2. Werewolves: Massages, and moonsbane, what more could you need, besides the raw buffalo steaks in the exclusive restaurants. Oh, yes, your beloved. Ooops, how could your obsessive alpha personality forget about her? Yes, there are tons of other alpha's all waiting around the tables raising your hackles and signaling the challenge. Don't let this cause you to neglect her. Instead make sure she see the benefit of lazing by the pool. Provide a constant supply of daquiri’s delivered by that handsome, make your panties wet, bartender, and you’ll be able to play those tables to your heart’s content. Do avoid temptation and don’t let the scent of strange werekitties cause you to change and go chasing the poor pussies. If you do the Deathly Buzzing’s, Wolverine Penile Enhancer she bought might just get used with somebody else.

3. Ghosts: Yes, this is crazy. You came here expecting to be one of a few, but everywhere you look there are ghosts popping out of thin air. And they're parent’s for God’s sake. You'll find no decent hauntings here. No chance of giving the local tourists or staff a middle of the night fright. Worse still, you're chance of a quick peek in their showers is likely to end up with the PMS carting your ass off to the ectoplasmic cooler, period. Not to mention your beloved is very adverse to a bit of slap and tickle with translucent voyeurs wandering into the bedroom every five minutes. Why don't you take your sweetheart and do what you do best. Go cheat. Take her to the roulette table and, when no one can see you, just put the ball into the number she's bid on. Bingo, she’ll be a millionaire overnight. Just suggest, when you return to your room, that millionaire’s don’t wear such cheap, flimsy panties or give a fig for voyeurs. Hey, why not? It’s worked for you before…

4. Invisible men: You've just worked out there's a big disadvantage to being invisible where almost everyone can smell you coming from a mile away. So you cant do your usual party tricks ( at least not without being ripped into were snacks) big deal. Just smile, chin up and walk proudly around this fine establishment wearing your specially laundered new bandages, all subtly scented with catnip, garlic and moonsbane. Not that you're vindictive, no, you're just protecting your sweetheart. It has nothing to do with your poker opponents half collapsing at the table. Once you've won stacks of money, treated your girl to a handful of browns, and filled her with a gallon or two of DunVegas's home vintage. Now is the time to take her to your room and demonstrate the trick of the vanishing panties. Oh, if you go walkabout at night, take plenty of wooden stakes, pepper spray and a sidearm with silver bullets. Some of those poker losers are going to be pissed.

5. Mermen: Okay. Let’s try to forget you’ve just seen four of your sisters and three of your brothers squirming at the mercy of an oversexed kraken (yes we know you're going to need psychiatry for years). This is your big chance to prove to your sweetheart she means much more to you than the sea, raw fish and caviar. Yes, big scary thought. Take her to a show, a restaurant (not The Abyss. You don't want to see those guys playing with the kraken.) Later in the evening you can flip a few chips on the tables before easing into her slot, uh, easing her into the slots. Whatever you do, avoid walking anywhere except in the foyer and the casino. Yes, we also know that the whirlpool tub does wonderful tingly things to your dorsals, but why should she care if you're going to go all floppy on her?

6. Incubus: Okay, so you’ve never seen one. I’ve never seen one, in fact very few of us have ever seen one. So why the hell did you try go fishing in the moat for one? Your beloved has been excited about this trip for an entire year, and now she has to spend most of it in ER while they cut you out of Nessie's stomach. And once you're out, is she really going to fancy you now you're all covered in gunk? Give it up dude. Throw your bank balance at her and let her party while the nurses de-gunk you. Whatever you do, don't be tempted to do your thing with the nurses. The way your luck's going this week, you sweetheart is bound to find out and trust me, braised incubus sweetmeats, is the last thing you want to see on the DunVegas menu.

7. Djinn: This is almost your cup of tea. Okay, so the minarets don’t quite look right. And the doors and windows are sadly missing their arches, but the pomp and grandeur is here, in a dismal sort of way. Your recent encounter with the delectable Ms. Bast has also assured you that the sexy, dancing slave girls are still around, they just dress differently in this century. Keep a low profile and give your beloved the thrill of her life by supplying a constant stream of jackpots in those coin slot things she plays. Then fast food nachos and peppermint chocolatini’s will satisfy some of her bodily cravings. If you've played it right, and treated her well, you'll be assured of your own little jackpot tonight.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

Don't forget guys, all Agent Double D.3 reports, along with a rare image of the lass herself, are now archived on my forum (see link below.)

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