I usually blog about different mythologies, but right now I'm utterly absorbed by a free workshop that's happening.
Go over to the Romance Divas website. Join up, if you haven’t already (it’s free) and head over to the Class In Session section for the USING MYTHOLOGY IN ROMANCE workshop that’s going on right now. As in, Right Now.
Lori Handeland is talking about how she combines Navajo mythology with Biblical eschatology (study of the end times), vampires, werewolves, and coyote shifters. Robin Owens is discussing some of her world-building tips. Gena Showalter explains how she tweaks myths to get what she needs. And Nancy Madore is talking fairy tale archetypes.
Our other guest authors will be joining us as they can, so stay tuned. If you can’t join in the discussion today, it’ll stay in the archives for later research.
I was going to write a post all about the Worst Vampire Movies Ever, but realized that I haven’t made a habit of watching terrible vampire movies. Two, however, recently crossed my radar.
One day in a fit of housewifely industriousness, I was ironing and decided to watch a little TV to take my mind off the excruciating boredom. SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE had just started, so I flipped there. Hey, it said Cary Elwes was in it, which is usually good enough for me.
Sweet. Baby. Nosferatu. First, John Malkovich does accents even worse than Kevin Costner, who can’t do them at all. Second, just wow. And not in a good way.
It’s about the making of the silent film, Nosferatu, back in 1922. Apparently, the original film was plagued with misfortune – people disappearing and dying. So the whole cast is doing these really dreadful German accents, except for Udo Kier, who actually IS German, so he at least sounds normal. Willem Dafoe is totally unrecognizable as Max Schreck, who played Nosferatu.
I honestly thought the movie was supposed to be a spoof. Eddie Izzard is in it, for crying out loud. But no. People took it seriously. It won dozens of awards! I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m not clever enough to watch American films about European films. I’d seriously give this one a pass unless you’re in the mood to watch otherwise excellent actors chew up the scenery.
The other movie was a late night “Gee, I’m awake, so I’ll see what’s on.” BLOOD FOR DRACULA is at least supposed to be funny. And it succeeds simply because it’s so over the top.
Udo Kier (what is it with him and cheesy vampire flicks?) portrays a dying Dracula in this 1971 film. He doesn’t just drink any blood. No, he’s gotta be picky. It must be a virgin’s blood. (Pronounced “wirgin.”) So he sets off to Italy and finds a poor, upper-class family with four daughters. Surely, one of them must be a virgin. He starts with the middle two, who are pretty, but slutty. They’ve been banging the help, played by Joe Dallesandro. Pretty face, great abs, but if only he wouldn’t talk so much. I’ve never heard the word “whore” pronounced “hoo-ah” before. And then there’s the fun little twincest thing they’ve got going on. Drac tries to drink from them, but gets sick because they’re not “wirgins.” At this point, the movie is pretty much a sex farce with Udo regurgitating buckets of blood everywhere. The ending is one of the funniest bloodbaths ever. Remember the movie, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” when Paul Rubens dies? Yeah. Like that. Only more.
I suppose it’s worth mentioning that Andy Warhol was one of the producers. And that Roman Polanski played a bit part in the film. You know, that really explains a lot.
So, what are the worst vampire movies you’ve ever seen?
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9 comments:
I so love bad vampire movies! Well for a while, bad ones were the only ones you could get. I grew up on Elvira and her Movie Macbre show. :)
The Buffy movie was a pretty bad one. Love the show, but the movie just wasn't as cheeky as I thought it'd be. They need to do another movie :)
I had to look up the name for this one--Embrace of the Vampire with Alyssa Milano. Okay, I was looking for a vampire movie not soft core porn. But it was bad for porn too! She's a virgin and this evil vampire wants to claim her on her birthday (why didn't I figure out this was soft core?) But the vampire is super wimpy and sometimes he's a wolf and sometimes he's Jennifer Tilly???
Yeah, that was a waste of a video rental.
Didn't the Three Stooges do a vampire movie? Prolly that one.
And, yes! Come to the Mythology workshop at Romance Divas!
Personally I think the two worst vampire movies are recent ones.
I thought 30 Days Of Night blew chunks. Basically it was a George Romero movie with vampires instead of zombies. And the vampires weren't much smarter than the zombies. The human characters were all too stupid to live.
The other was Ultraviolet. Which was ultra-violent because they were trying to fill their lack of plot with action. Gag.
Vampires Anonmyous. The Alyssa Milano one was stupid, too. There are so many stupid ones it is hard to decide.
Slapping Bram Stoker's name on a Drac movie won't keep it from smelling like guano if you put Keanu Reeves in it. Something strange is afoot at Castle D? I mean, come on! Winona bites too. And don't get me started on Drac's bun hair. Although, I admit, Oldman cleaned up mighty nice.
Dracula 2000 *gag*
BloodRayne(or however you nonspell it)Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be vampires.
Queen of the Damned--Teen of the Damned is more like it. Oh Lestat, how young (and brunette) thou art.
John Carpenters Vampires--Ew! Just..ew!! and "" Vampires, Los Meurtos--Bon Jovi, stick to singing. Please. The first of these sucked but not as much as the second.
Dust Til Dawn--Even pretty Salma Hayek and pretty boy George Cloony couldn't save this crime caper turned slasher flick. I'm ashamed to admit I know Cheech's p*** pitch by heart. Oh and I despise that big headed freak Tarantino. While he's not a true vamp, he is a parasite sucking all the creativity out of Hollywood. And as we all know, they ain't got none to spare.
But um... I actually liked the Buffy movie better. It had two things the tv series lacked, Donald Sutherland AND a long, hilarious PeeWee Herman death scene. Now that my fangless friends spells quality cinema. *snickers*
I haven't watched too many vampire movies, but BloodRayne and Queen of the Damned stick out in my mind as not being terribly good. :)
BloodRayne was horrible!
Queen of the Damned was a bad vampire movie, but Stuart Townsend was mesmerizing as Lestat. Wrong hair color, but then, it wasn't as if Tom Cruise got it right when he bleached his hair.
Embrace of the Vampire does sound pretty awful!
From Dusk Til Dawn is cheezy good fun, I think. :) I watch it over and over!
John Carpenter's Vampires was wretched. Yuck.
I liked the Buffy movie, actually. It was hilarious! I loved Paul Rubens chewing up the scenery in his death scene. "Oh. Ow. Agh. Ow." *snort* That's good stuff!
Okay, people dig a little deeper. What about "Once Bitten" 1985? Jim Carrey in one of his first movies plays a virgin who a female vampire needs to drink from to be able to maintain her beauty. It's supposed to be somewhat funny, but leaves you with a "huh?" feeling.
There was another movie from about the same period where the vampire falls in love and she wants him to be mortal again, so they "train" his stomach by feeding him real food and if they can do that for a year, he'll be human again. Oh, yeah, that one was a winner. :)
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