24 April 2010

Agent Double D.3 Reports - Making The Final Commitment

So you’ve been dating now for anywhere from three days to fifteen years and after countless times of losing your panties on park seats; the beach; ball games…you’ve decided its just about time someone gave you some serious commitment. Now, we’re not talking about marriage (good luck with that one girls) but a commitment which is far more forbidding and terminally tied to his bank balance. We’re talking about buying and sharing a house together.

What do you do when your lover is just hunky dory with a shack in the woods when you want a penthouse condominium in Miami? Can you accept the drafty corners of a castle or cave or would you prefer the cozy warmth of a 2010 prefab complete with all modern amenities? And if he’s trending towards a place you would rather be dead than live in what can you do to sway his wayward thinking?

Never fear, Agent Double D.3’s expert investigations into proper property nuptials will warn you what to expect and how to redirect your lover’s prime homemaking instincts. All this and a little home and baby-making too in Agent Double D3's guide to Making The Final Commitment.

Agent Double D.3 reports :

1. Vampires:

Unfortunately, girl, you are at a disadvantage when selecting your first house together with a vampire. Most vampires have lived several centuries longer than you and most of them are decidedly fond of their ancient mansion/castle that they already own, usually populated by at least three dozen servants almost all of the same age as your lover. This is all well and good if you like living in a dusty old, cold miserably grey castle with no double glazing, a poor hot water system and an air conditioning unit that looks like it was invented by Queen Victoria back in the time when gas lamps were just becoming all the rage. Now, if you’d prefer that Condo out on Malibu Beach you’ll need to explain how it would be so much more comfortable to walk around the house naked in a warm sunny beach house with no servants to peek and stare as you pose sexily for him on the living room couch.
If that doesn’t work just consider the relationship as part of a business venture. Make sure you get your name on the lease, get signed into a huge part of his estate, and then plunge a huge Stake into the Investment. After all, there isn’t any body to hide…

2. Werewolves:

Werewolves are simply lovers of nature. To them nothing is more beautiful than the wild outdoors, the twitter of birds in the trees, and the stream that trips happily past the home.They love to see the deer and raccoon who feed and play in the backyard. Unfortunately though, owning a hunting shack in the middle of a huge whopping forest somewhere doesn’t always appeal to the modern girl, alas. I mean, where are the stores, the sun tanning salons, the indoor toilets? If going without a shower for weeks at a time, peeing into holes in the ground and watching your beloved frolic and play in the mud and dirt for the rest of your life appeals to you, then by all means allow him to entertain his whim and move into the one room log cabin that his great, great, great grandpappy built just after Robert E. Lee kicked them damn yankee butts.
If you’d rather have the more modern conveniences and comforts of that little house in the suburbs you’ll need to be somewhat more sneaky than simply hiding his Kibble and Bits. (All that would do is make him sulk.) offer him a full fur body wash and massage, followed by a panty free evening in the sauna, and swimming pool. Gently remind him that none of these wonderful facilities, besides the panty free moment, are available in a little decrepit shack in the woods. If that fails. Well, think how wonderful it would be to live by yourself in this pretty little house in the suburbs with a huge log fireplace and your very own special, genuine did-it-all-yourself, wolf skin rug in front of it…

3. Regency:

Regency heroes are extremely particular in where they live. No self respecting man from this era would have fewer than a dozen servants. First off he’d need the butler, the cook and the manservant, then a few pretty maids for those times when he needed to, ah, expend a little nervous energy. This entails, off course, at least a fifteen room mansion with many waterclosets, bedrooms, tiny closets for secret assignations with the pretty maids…
Now, actually this isn’t a particularly bad deal—with some clever hand and body work, slinky nightdresses and a tub of whipped cream you should be able to convince you lover of the pointlessness of the half dozen pretty maids. You’d be much better off with a few extra men servants around the house to help keep things…fresh. But for goodness sake make sure they aren’t gay. You want to keep your future husband to yourself, remember…

4. Djinn:

Probably one of the most difficult of lovers to go into a joint venture like this with is the Djinn. When you have the ability to clap your hands, wrinkle a nose, blink an eye or slap an ass and create just about anything you like, well. Buying a house seems rather mundane in the extreme. Not to mention that the house you’d be able to buy would be so square and boring. There wouldn’t be any semi-naked dancing girls, pools, fountains, and those quaint little towers with the minarets on top that look so much like a collection of penises you’d think you were living in a giantesses’s toy cabinet. Now, you have to decide if you want to live tucked up in bed under a giant erection or not.
Good, now that we’ve determined the sensible move to make we have to figure out a way to make it happen. Overall this is perhaps the trickiest maneuver ever attempted by a human female which didn’t require hanging upside down on a dance pole with a triple prong vibrator in each hand.
In your sweetest, most reasonable voice ever, make sure your Djinn lover sees you slipping out of your panties and ask him, ever so nicely, to donate five million dollars to your trip to the bikini line waxers. Once he’s left the money in small bills, and is drooling after you, ask him if he’d mind fetching the extra stretchy, sensitive condoms you were using and left by the bed last night.
As soon as he’s popped back in the bottle, stuff the cork in it, seal it with superglue, and bury it in concrete. That way you’ll have your very own house in Hawaii without the worry of a billion half naked dancing girls or having to cope with the odd extremes of Djinn nature. Find yourself a more normal lover and get back to the real, pleasure for pleasures sake, deal.

5. Contemporary:

Oh Hell Girl you got it made. He wants everything you do with one exception and that’s for you to have your panties off waiting for him every morning, noon and night. Hey, maybe he does want everything you do…

6. Mermen:

Okay, now let’s not go building castles in the sand. LOL. Uhm, hey, I said let’s not go building castles in the sand. Because you know that’s just about what your loverboy will do. Big funking castles in the sand, with diamonds, precious gems, seashells, coral, gold and silver adornments. You’d have towers, cellar’s, dungeons, huge ballrooms with big funking fireplaces with algae mats and catfish playing with soggy balls of wool as they chase crabs across the sands. And yes, this huge wonderful edifice would be completely, totally and eternally under the sea.
It’s up to you, of course, whether or not you want to be cut off from civilization as you know it for the rest of your life. And yes, you’d probably look cute wearing a kelp skirt with no undies. But…do you really want to give up those margaritas by the pool in Miama with hunky lifeguards, suntans and those easy to peel off extra tight bikinis that drive the men insane.
If you don’t then try to persuade your fishy fellow to embrace your idea of a large beach house with its own private pool and patio. Indulge in a little naked one on one with some innovative use of the super oil slick suntan lotion. If that fails to work then purchase a couple of attack otters and when no one’s looking push him in the pool.
Works every time.

7. Futuristic/SciFi:

Mr. Futuristic/SciFi is, like, out of this world and that’s kinda what he’s going to be looking for when it comes to somewhere to live. Now, it may be kind of cool to go surfing down the solar streams when its time to look for the bad guys, or indulge in a little souped up solar sex. But being stuck inside a tin can thousands, or even millions, of miles away from the nearest mall kinda sucks when you’re not indulging in the more primal side of the mating ritual. And while micro-g sex has many interesting advantages, keeping you entertained while he’s zonked out from it all isn’t part of it. Realistically there’s only so many times you can watch a movie and Futuristic TV is sorta dodgey when you have to deal with close proximity solar flares.
You can, if you’re lucky, persuade him to build his spacebase of his dreams within a mere spacedive paradrop drop from earth. If you don’t mind the earsplitting, back breaking, high temperature burnout you’re likely to get from parachuting down from outer space.
Alternatively you could offer to install an anti-g device in the bedroom and paint a moonscene mural on the walls to entertain his need for the exotic. If that doesn’t work, a small hole drilled into the back of his spacesuit, and an emergency repair on the external waster disposal ejector should sort the problem out nicely. Be sure to give him a decent testimony as you rocket his body into the gravitational well of the sun…

8. Cowboys:

You cain’t git much more down-to-earth than a cowboy. Truly, you cain’t. And most cowboys are at home living in their three hundred acre ranch with two thousand head of cattle, a passle of boys to help with the roping and branding and a cook to bake them beans every livelong day of the week. And I’m quite sure you want to be there with him, eating dust, stepping in cow pats, and breathing the sweet smell of after dinner airs at the local BBQ meet in the middle of camp. Now you might, possibly be able to persuade him to modernize a little. Try dressing up in a cowskin, crawling around on all fours and saying “Moo!” This may give you a sudden and delightful surprise you weren’t really expecting. (Hey, it gets lonely out on them there cattle drives.) You also might be able to get a few additions to the ranch like a pool, sauna, patio, and a direct railway line into the heart of the nearest city with exclusive stops at all the major malls on route.
Failing that, sneaking a cowskin onto his favorite bull and waiting for it to go Moo! Is always a hilarious, if somewhat fatal, activity to watch.

9. Ghosts:

Why would a ghost want a house? You don’t know? Really, have you no sense of image. Every decent ghost has to have a suitably decent house to haunt. Decent in this case probably meaning something quite different to what you would consider decent. No self respecting ghost is going to haunt a bar and sauna for Limn’s sake. And do you really think those pink and purple flowery curtains are a suitable scary backdrop to his tried and trusted paranormal activities. Nope, nope, nope. You’re self respecting ghost is going to be demanding a run down beat up old place with more nooks than crannies. One that has ambience, which roughly translates in the human tongue as “falling to pieces”. If you are unable to get to the second floor without some kind of acrobatic skill required to jump over, leap or climb past the missing treads then he’s unlikely to want to buy it.
Of course, since he’s so dependant on you for providing proof of his existence and being the only one able to provide the “physical comfort” he needs. A few pantyless sessions in the boudoir can do a lot to change this little fellow’s mind. Failing that, accidentally inviting over a world famous exorcist and having a fun game of holy water, cross and candle kind of does the trick as well. Just make sure you jimmy out of him the location of his hidden treasure first. After all, you have a house to restore just as soon as he’s gone…

10. Invisible men:

You knew this man was trouble the minute you clapped your eye… hands on him. And selecting a house with lover boy here gets worse by the minute. Not only does he want a huge man cave in the basement, now he wants to fill it with worktops, glassware, chemicals and all sorts of dead animals and birds so he can start his experiments on tripling the size of his willy. It’s just too much. Well, everything except the tripling the size part, that is.
And on top of it all you can’t even watch TV in peace without some mouse or other escaping its cage and coming to join in your popcorn and martini dinner. Not to mention the big soggy sausage like thing he keeps slapping in your face saying “look at this, look at this.” Which really means nothing since the guy is FUNKING INVISIBLE and you have no idea what he’s trying to show you.
This is an easy situation to remedy though. If a little adventurous pantyfree sauna and massage doesn’t change his interminable laboratory habits then slipping an extra dose or two of strychnine into his willy enlarging potion should work wonders. It’s even more amusing if you embalm the body afterwards and pose it sexily and naked on Aunt Erma’s favorite easy chair. The expression on her face when she visits is a hoot.

11. Fantasy:

Choosing a home for you and your fantasy hero is—how to put this gently—Funking hard. This stems from the fact that most fantasy hero’s aren’t ready to settle down until they’ve spent years saving the world from demons, dragons, sexy witches, warlocks, evil ogre lords, sexy witches, orcs, goblins, sexy witches. (Yes, I know he keeps coming up against those sexy witches. And so do they, so do they…) So if you intend to bed down with the cozy blankets and soft down bed you’d better be prepared to sleep in caves, bivouac’s or underneath the stars for the best, uhm, thirty odd years of your relationship. And then he might, just, indulge in a small one room hut with outdoor privy. (If you’re lucky, otherwise you have to use the hedge down the road.)
Truly and honestly the best thing to do here is offer to be his banker and financial advisor and when he’s saved up enough to buy a small castle or two. Wait till he finds the sexy witch again and then send a raven mail to her extremely jealous warlock boyfriend. You can enjoy the friendship and offerings of his best mates at the funeral then retire to a small country castle at the other end of the continent. Oh, and servants. We have to hire some of those handsome stablelads to come with us…

12. Incubus:

The nice thing about the incubus is that there’s only one thing on his mind. The bad thing about the incubus is there’s only one thing his…mind. And, alas, when purchasing property it tends to take the foremost part of both of his brains. Left to himself the incubus would rent a room in a large building full of scantily clad women, lots of bedrooms and a reception area filled with a queue of eager men, young, old and ugly. Besides having to tread carefully when you walk down the corridors to avoid the fallen used condoms, there’s always the constant squeak and thump of moving beds, high pitch squeals of pretend satisfied women, and the heavy grunt of men pleased to get things off their chest.
This situation, obviously, wouldn’t do. Especially since all the handsome young men appear to be taken. What can you do? Besides tying up your incubus and poking him every now and then with a hot iron, the situation appears to be somewhat hopeless. Your best bet here is to lock him in a room with a bed, rent him out hourly to a string of panting women, and when he’s made you a small fortune accidentally drop him down a nearby well and move to the Caribbean. Didn’t you know they have absolutely divine pool boys in the Caribbean?

13. Ancient Celts:

He’ll want haggis every week—hire a cook. Having said that where an ancient Celt will want to live depends highly on his current situation. Is his present lifestyle:

a) One of peace and prosperity, in which case the best you’ll get is a draughty old castle which is cold, damp, miserable and you have to pee in a hole in the wall because none of the modern amenities have been invented yet.

b) One of running and hiding after a failed attempt to overthrow the English, a rival clan, or some other undefined enemy who he’s been at war with since the world began. In which case you’ll be living in a cave which is draughty, cold, damp, miserable and you have to pee in a hole in the ground because none of the modern amenities have been invented yet.

Whichever of these choices you get, wise up girl. Go dump the dude and find you someone nice and modern. At least you’ll have the benefit of up to date plumbing, and shop bought haggis if you really, really want it.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

All Agent Double D.3 reports are now being archived on my forum. Come along and see me there sometime .
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