01 May 2008

Wastin' away in Shark-a-ritaville

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My mother called me today. The waves crashing on the shore didn't quite mask the smug satisfaction in her voice as she told that she was lying on the beach doing nothing. Absolutely nada, zilch, zip! She paused to sip something more than likely cool and refreshing and sighed happily.

During this lull in her bragfest, I asked her if she'd been swimming yet, and she gasped in horror. "Are you nuts?" Yes, I am, thanks to her, but I didn't say that..out loud, because while she's in Florida on vacation, it won't prevent the don't make me come up there, young lady speech. And I don't feel like hearing it, well, okay, the young lady part would be nice.

Luckily, she contined and I forgot all about my smartalec reply which would have gotten my butt in a sling. "Sharks are evil, they like to get revenge, and I still have those sharkskin boots I got in the 70's. They're gonna get me for that."

"No they're not!" Seriously though, who keeps boots that long? I was born in the 70's!

"Yes they are! Hello, Jaws? It was based on a true story."

"That wasn't a true story, that was just a movie!" I try to instill some sanity in her oh so twisted logic but I doubt she hears me because she's pulled the phone away from her to yell something at my stepfather. It sounds like either "great white behind you!" or "good for you!" it's six of one and half dozen of the other for her. And it means the same thing, "Shut up I'm on the phone!"

Apparently, my stepfather is actually out in the water. He may as well have moved to Beau Bridge, turned himself into a crawdad, slathered himself in Tobasco and butter and screamed, "Eat me!" at least, this is what she is muttering when she comes back on the line. So I know he's committed this grevious sin even before she tells me he's sufing the waves on a body board. "He looks just like a seal from below. I saw that on Shark Week last year. And I know that was real. It said documentary."

"Yes, that's real. Jaws, isn't. But he's having a good time?" I smile as I ask this.

"He looks it. I'm having one too. I'll bring you home some shells, they're all along the beach. And I'll even bring you a shirt. I love you, even though you make fun of me." She sniffs indignantly.

"I love you too, Mama." I hum the Jaws theme. "And remember, sharks can come up on..."

"Oh shut up! I'm not moving from this spot. If one comes near me, I'll smack it in the eye with my flipflop." I can picture her sitting close enough so that the waves barely lap at her feet. She likes to play it safe, my mama, but she likes to get her feet wet too.


Carolan Ivey said...


My Mom and sister are the same way about snakes. No amount of reasoning will dissuade them of their firm belief that All Snakes Are Evil. When we go to the zoo, I have to walk 10 paces ahead of my sister so I signal her ahead of time if there's a snake en route.

There's a big, beautiful blacksnake that hangs around my Mom's flower beds, and last summer I had to do some fast talking to convince her not to kill it. As far as I know, she has let it live, just swatting the plants with a stick to make sure it's not where she's going to be digging. :)

On our first trip to St. Thomas, my husband and I visited the aquarium and "swam" in a tank full of sharks. It was one of the coolest things I've ever done.

Makes me wonder if I'm adopted. LOL

Jean Marie Ward said...

We exist to drive our parents crazy. The only problem is our kids exist for that sole purpose too...
Or is that "porpoise"?
Hugs and evil grins,
Jean Marie

Jenna Leigh said...

I know Carolan, I'm the 'snake handler' of the family too. And Jean Marie, I'm telling my mother you said that. Just you wait. *snickers* By the way, isn't shark week coming up next month? Da dunt.. da dunt..