01 January 2008

You Say You Want a Resolution..

I hope Paul, John, Ringo and George forgive me for paraphrasing their song for my title, but I was desperate. The New Year is here and everyone is throwing the R word around. I'm talking about New Year Resolutions, of course. Millions of people make them on the 1st, break them by the end of the month, or in some cases, by the 3rd or 4th of January. Why? Because they set their expectations too high.
Resolution 1: I'm quitting a bad habit! (eg. smoking, drinking etc)

While this is a wonderful thing to attempt and I wish everyone luck in trying it, doing it when you're about to receive all those Christmas credit card bills is not a good idea. Here are some overheard convos, "Yes, Capital Con, can you please tell me why I could either buy a mid-sized Caribbean Island or send you my minimal monthly payment? Oh yeah? Well, what's in your wallet? What do you mean you only use cash? I can see why!" ...or... "No wonder your mother loves you best, you bought her a hot tub!" ...or my personal favorite made popular by my husband.... "Gurgle, gurgle thud!" Those alone will make you want to crawl into the nearest bottle, pack of ciggies, bag of chips or hey, just jump into a combo of the three and have a oinkfest to end all oinkfests.

Which brings me to...

Resolution 2: I'm going on a diet!

Come on people, how can you expect to keep this one with all those left over Christmas goodies in the house? Better to say; I'll go on a diet in the late Spring. This way all the Valentine and Easter candy will be gone too. This is what I call the Have Your Candy and Eat It Too plan.

Resolution 3: I'm going start working out every single day!

Ack! Okay, it's healthy, at least, it seems to be, but, I'm a little suspicious of the terminology involved. The word aerobic sounds like a strange disease passed through the air. Think about it, when those(strangely happy) people get hot their sweat turns to steam and pervades the air, soaking into your skin and going into your lungs. Nasty! Before you know it, you too are bouncing around in brightly colored, unflattering, tight fitting clothing that you wouldn't otherwise be caught dead in and your face is stuck in that freaky rictus smile too! It's the 80's revisited. Believe me, once was plenty.

And then, there's the word exercise which sounds and looks a lot like the word exorcise. Since that last word pertains to demons, (my own skewed) logic dictates that both do.

My theory is supported by the fact that both cause:

1. Unnatural contortions of the body and face
2. Pain filled grunts, screams, groans emanating from the victims
3. Crying and/or begging for mercy from said victim's deity of choice.

I could go on but I think I've proved my point and my psychosis with this one ;)

Resolution 4: I'm getting a new and better job!

Trying to do this right after the Christmas buying binge is over isn't going to be easy. But, doing so right at the beginning of the year will make next year's tax forms neat and tidy. Ooops, did I say the T-word too early? I'm sorry! That's another blog, which involves procrastination, number crunching and the perils of lying to the scariest governmental organization in the universe(and beyond). Death and taxes are both inevitable. Wait a mo! On second thought, you could get a job at one of those tax places that pop up overnight. Go You!

Resolution 5: I'm going to find the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend!

There's no such thing as perfect, which would be why I write and why I read romance novels. Those alpha dudes have perfect aim.. when putting their socks in the hamper. *grins* Of course, the best and easiest resolution anyone could make would be to read more books. Whether it be romances or any kind. Books can make all your resolutions much more attainable too. And no, I'm not talking about those self help ones, not that there's anything wrong with them.

You don't believe me do you? I'll illustrate how reading can help with each of the resolutions above.

Res 1. Get caught up in a great book and you'll forget to smoke or drink or talk too much. That helps kick that bad habit right there.

Res 2. Reading makes you thinner. Sure it can, if you spend your lunch money on books...again *coughs*

Res 3. Getting lost in a good story can make even me, a total exercise-phobe forget that I'm on the terrible treadmill, evil eliptical machine or satanic stationary bike for half hour segments at a time.

Res 4. Getting caught reading at work can cause you to get fired, thereby making it so that you have to find a new job to support your book addiction.

Res 5. Reading can help you at least look smart. But there's the very real fact that it does enrich your vocabulary not to mention help you learn new skills. What genre you choose will of course determine the type of skills you acquire. *wiggles brows* But remember, knowledge is power and power is sexy. Meowrr!

Happy New Year and Happy Reading!
Jenna Leigh


Sela Carsen said...

Wait. Your Alphas actually put their socks in the hamper?!? Now I *know* it's fiction!

Jody W. and Meankitty said...

The resolution I recommend is NOT stepping on a set of scales for the whole year, health-permitting. I did it in 2007 and it was great!

Jody W.