So what is it? What’s the number one, I-can’t-believe-it-how-is-this-possible problem in every horror movie I’ve ever seen? No one in a horror movie has ever seen a horror movie! The number two problem? The few horror movies where they’ve seen a horror movie, they didn’t pay any attention. In the middle of the night when my husband-like-person and I hear a nose, we both get up and investigate it. Why? Because everyone knows you never split up. They always split up in horror movies—even after someone admits that you should never split up! That’s like hearing that everyone who walks across a particular bridge falls off and then suddenly heading off across the bridge. No one would do that.
Then after they split up, they wander off into dark basements, creepy attics, or dense woods. Let me explain something. I don’t care what you hear in the basement, attic or woods, if people are disappearing or dying in odd ways, you DON’T need to know what made that sound. I can tell you want made that sound. The thing that’s going to kill you made that sound. I know it, you know it, and anyone who’s seen two horror movies knows it. The only people who don’t know it are the people IN the horror movie. How is that possible?
Everyone I know would call a friend in a heartbeat to sleep over if the least freaky thing happened and they lived alone. Not only is freakiness reason for a grown up sleepover but it leads to discussing what happened and looking things up—together. We don’t split up to research things in creepy libraries, during unprecedented storms with rolling blackouts in the area. Why? Because no one does that! The human survival instinct doesn’t allow a rational person to do something like that. It doesn’t matter if you think there’s a preternatural killer on the loose, regular ole’ serial killer fears are more than enough.
But I’m not here simply to complain. I don’t believe in it. I’m here just in case one of those people who sincerely never watched a horror movie and have no idea what’s going on ever finds themselves in one. These are ten tips to get you through just in case.
1. Never split up. You can’t cover more ground if one or all of you die, so just leave it be and don’t split up.
2. Don’t go to dark, isolated places once weirdness has been let loose in your town. If it freaked you out in the daylight when things were normal, avoid it like the plague now that bodies have started dropping.
3. If a child or pet won’t get into a room, walk past a house, or has constantly cried since you drove into down—LEAVE! There’s evil about and you can’t fix it. How do I know? Because you’re reading this list for tips, so get out while the gettin’ is good.
4. If nothing has prompted you to leave and you are instead trying to investigate the history of the quaint but spooking little town you’ve moved to, do it during the day. If you can’t find it in the daytime with a room full of witness, you don’t need to know it.
5. When a house tells you to leave it’s not a suggestion. Just go.
6. They never move the bodies when they relocate a graveyard; that’s why the price is so good on that new housing development. Just pay the extra $300 a month in mortgage elsewhere. You’ll thank me.
7. If you’re running for your life and there’s a child or small-framed woman keening and rocking in a corner with their back to you—it’s a trap. It’s going to eat you. Kill it and run or just run but don’t help. You’re a walking appetizer and should just keep moving with the group.
8. If you’re suddenly pregnant after a mysterious afternoon you don’t quite remember and everyone is stunned. It’s an alien/demon baby. What you do with that is up to you, I’m just saying be preparted.
9. If you’re going anywhere on the anniversary of anything that involved death and you see something, no matter how briefly, go on vacation. Just pick up the family and make that Disney World trip you’ve been promising. Everything will be better for it, trust me.
10. Don’t split up. Yes, this was number one, but you just don’t understand the significance. Staying together means you outnumber the jabberwocky and you always want to default to safety in numbers.
There you are, it’s not everything you need to know but if you keep these 10 in mind and follow the link to the other 13, you’ll make it to act III and likely show up in the sequel. And it’s all about being around for the sequel *smile*. Happy Halloween!