04 May 2007

Bite and Make-Up

A.K.A. Turning a lover’s spat into a bedroom frolic.

So, you’ve been going out with your lass for a few months now, everything was hunky dory until you bit her too soon and now there’s blood on her new dress, or perhaps you put seaweed in her panties drawer and have sand blocking the toilet. She’s pissed, and rightly so. What are you going to do about it? Refuse to acknowledge your involvement? Blame it on the paranormal freak next door? Tell her your brother did it? Or are you going to be the brave hero you are and admit to your one and only mistake? Just how do you calm and wickedly seduce the true love of your life when she all she wants to do is kill you… again.

Never fear, our intrepid, Agent Double D.3 has investigated this phenomenon and come up with a report just for you—a detailed guide of how to wheedle your way back into her favor and her panties. Go, buy the expensive diamond necklace she always wanted, and sally forth with this useful guide to saving face in a paranormal cock up.

Agent Double D.3 reports:

Vampires: Are you finding it difficult to keep your fangs to yourself. Or maybe you brought the coffin home and scared the neighbors? Perhaps bits have been falling off in a severe case of sunburn? If your lady love is pissed for one of these reasons do yourself a favor and make a good friend of a local blood bank technician. Yes, piercing the plastic doesn’t taste anywhere near as good, but trust me it’s better than a heart shaped stake through the chest. To win back your beloved’s affections bring her that fabulous piece of diamond jewelry she always wanted, remove any offending articles from her sight—including your fangs—and apologize profusely. Treating her to a no strings attached full Swedish massage will also help wonders. For your own sake though, just for now, feast on her beauty and not on her blood and you’ll be back on biting terms in a week.

Werewolf: Shedding fur and bringing home last night’s half finished supper and leaving it on the kitchen floor will get your ass kicked in the doghouse. So, before she sets in with a flea shampoo and full body shave—hide the kibbles and get smart with a super expensive gift. Diamonds will be fine, or a nice string of pearls. Don’t offer to buy her furs, that will only remind her of the wolf skin wrap she’s always wanted. Alternately consider taking her to a popular beach resort, give her time to relax in your company with sun, surf and cocktail bars. If the heat is too oppressive for you, you might find it beneficial to accept that full body shave. After all, think of the fun to be had with those slippery suds and skillful hands.

Ghosts: You accidentally froze the roast turkey at thanksgiving? Walked through the shower wall while Aunt Betsie was showering and gave her favorite aunt a stroke? That puts you in deep kimchi, my man, uh, ghost. Soothe your path back to love with some delicate red roses, a slinky satin nightdress in virginal white, and two dozen boxes of her favorite liqueur filled chocolates. Once you’ve packed Aunt Betsie off to the ER (or the local male escort agency— depending on what kind of stroke you gave her) and settled her in, your beloved will be so snozzled it is just a matter of moments to persuade her to slip into that new nightdress, and comfort her in bed. Under no circumstances suggest you shower together, and for goodness sake, get used to using the door like normal folks. Okay?

Invisible man: Been caught walking naked in your neighbor’s bathroom while she’s in the bath? Terrified your mother-in-law’s poodle by sneaking up to it while invisible and pulling its tail. Such trials and tribulations will put you out of sight and out of mind as far as your heroine is concerned. To bring her around and your relationship back to serenity, take her on a luxury cruise. Spend the evenings gently clonking her prospective dates on the head and hiding their unconscious bodies in the nearest life raft. She’ll soon come to appreciate your caring, sensitive ways and you’ll be able to spend the rest of the cruise sharing sweet nothings, and blissful pillow talk.

Merman: Okay, so you have a panty fetish. That’s not a problem, lots of heroes have a panty fetish. But for goodness sake don’t leave your seaweed in her panty drawer. No heroine wants to go through a novel smelling of fish, especially not if their hero smells like one too. She does have a bit of class you know. So, before you get filleted and parceled out at the local fish market, this would be a good time to take her to visit your parents. Buy her some decent scuba gear, tons of oxygen and at least three drawers full of fun, fresh and sexy panties, and you’ll be well away. Oh, just one thing, you’ll probably find your sister persuades her that seaweed in the latest in lingerie fashion. Go figure.

Incubus: Yes, we know what you do best. The whole street knows what you do best. Dare we even say the entire female population of your city knows what you do best. Here’s the rub. Human women like to be exclusive, and doing what you do best has kind of screwed, er, jeopardized your relationship. This time, unfortunately, doing what you do best, with her, isn’t going to sort it. Nothing short of seeing you self-emasculate is likely to resolve this problem. You could start, though, with a long romantic year on a deserted island, with just the two of you, a few goats and coconuts. It may not get you back together again, but at least you’ll have a few goats to keep you company while you try.

Djinn: You wriggled your nose one too many times and now Uncle Jasper is much hairier than you and is hanging from the chandelier by his tail. Ooops. Unfortunately that was the last wish of the day and he’s going to have to stick with a diet of banana’s until midnight tomorrow. The love of your life has given you the choice of ultimatums. Change him back and go rot in your bottle forever, or change him back and go rot in your bottle for an eternity. To avoid an ageless fate worse than death, call up your magic carpet and whisk everyone, Uncle Jasper and all, to an exotic location of blue seas, turquoise lagoons, green jungles and banana trees. Let your beloved see how delighted her uncle is with his new habitat and provide her with the very best in frequent free cocktails and massage services. Hopefully by the time Uncle Jasper recovers she’ll be too comatose to remember why she was upset.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.
Post a Comment