15 April 2007

Finding the Perfect Paranormal Date

A.K.A. Things that go Hump in the night

Okay so you’ve cleaned, scrubbed and de-make-upped your face. You’ve put curlers in your hair and plucked the ungainly growth from wherever the ungainly growth grew (hey, you try typing that line at 3am!) The wind outside is howling, the moon is full and bright and the cold frosty bit on the stairway is getting even colder and frostier. Not to mention there is a new batch of seaweed on the balcony and the smell of fish in the bath. So, what do you do now? Do you go and investigate these interesting phenomena, or should you call Mr. Husky nice guy, just in case you need a little comfort and—comfort.

Never fear, our intrepid, never to be daunted, Agent Double D.3 has done a special guide on how to deal with unusual nighttime paractivity and find yourself a perfect match. So go get yourself a nice mug of dreamy hot chocolate—made with added chunks of real Godiva. Find a cosy, alright steamy—okay, okay, hot enough to take your breath away romance? Slide into your slinkiest, silky sleepwear (really I am sober, honest.) And listen to the latest gossip on the sultry side of midnight.

Agent Double D.3 reports :

Vampires: Detecting a vampire in the house is achieved through a variety of ways. Screaming “Bite me, Bite me,” isn’t a recommended method until you know which type of vampire you have. A cautious approach to any attic, fully armed with crucifix, garlic, holy water and with a generous stake by your side is considered ideal. Of course, you may wish to wear a night dress which is particularly sleek and see-through. Just in case he’s handsome, sexy and an overall good guy. Then again, who cares about the good..?

Werewolves: The first thing one must do in detecting the presence of werewolves is to check the moon. Unfortunately, most modern werewolves can now change at any time of the month but it’s always good to know the moon is still there. The first and most obvious sign that a werewolf is on your property is the sudden depletion in your supplies of Kibbles and Bits. You don’t have Kibbles and Bits? Then try leaving half a lamb or a string of rabbit carcasses by the porchway. The next half-naked hunk with torn jeans who hammers on your door in the wee hours, demanding to know why you’re attempting to poison him with raw meat, is your man, uhm, wolf. On discovering his identity you must immediately offer to run a shower for him. Note: It is considered terribly bad form to do this while standing naked within the shower. But then, good form was never much fun.

Ghosts: Ghosts are a particularly hard paractivity to notice. Being hard though is kind of what makes these guys fun. It is possible to detect these paramours through expensive and complicated electronic devices. This is not recommended. At worse you look like an idiot when you find you can’t operate the stuff, at best you look like a weedy college professor that no decent ghost would be seen floating around with. The best method is to take off your clothes and lie on the bed naked. Everyone knows that ghosts just love to look at people in bed, not to mention with this method you’re already half-way prepared for when he arrives.

Invisible men: Invisible men are tough bodies to crack, most of them being on the verge of half-crazy. Hey, if you couldn’t see it to aim when you needed to pee, you’d be waltzing up to the nut house too. Catching these types of paractivity requires cunning, stealth, a good ear, edible spray adhesive and several bags of your favorite chocolate ground into a fine powder. Since most invisible men are natural voyeurs find a nice private part of the garden that is well lit by moonlight. As soon as you hear footsteps and see feet depressions in the grass, spray liberally with the adhesive and toss the bags of chocolate powder. Once he’s fully, chocolately, visible and stopped sneezing, feel free to offer to clean the chocolate off him.

Mermen: No, no, no, don’t go walking around with a spray bottle of water and soaking all the men you meet hoping to find a merman. While this may have the added pleasure of a surprise male wet t-shirt contest, it will also give a lot of ineligible men the wrong idea. Not to mention if you find the object of your desire he’d be turned into a fish. And really, think about it. WHAT GOOD IS HE WHEN HE’S A FISH? Do I need to repeat myself? No? Good. The use of subtlety is paramount when hunting down anyone of a mer nature. Look for tell-tale signs, most notably the abject fear of getting wet. Observe how long it takes for your suspect to take a shower? Are there loud slapping noises on the floor after he has taken one? Is there an odd sea-like odor and strings of dried sea weed hanging around his balcony? If there are, then congratulations you have caught you a fish, uh, merman. Just make sure, the next time he heads to the beach, you get ahead of him and do some impromptu skinny dipping. The sun, sand and a battery powered blow drier will work wonders from there.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.
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