23 April 2007

Is It Time to Bite?

A.K.A. It’s always hard the first time.

This is it. Forget the nerves and anxiety, you've finally met the girl of your dreams and she's agreed to "try you out" with a nice meal, theater and dancing. So shave, shower, and get out your most stunning designer wardrobe—not forgetting her favorite men's cologne. Now you're ready for the most romantic and thrilling night of your life. But wait! Have you read your Horton's guide to Polite Dating? Do you know the difference between a Winny and a Whammy? Worried that you might not be able to impress her?

Never fear, our intrepid, never to be daunted, Agent Double D.3 has performed many an arduous night of research—with much wine, dancing and, well, yes!—to provide this report. Here is a detailed guide for prospective paranormal suitors on the correct behavior for your very first date. So, buy the bouquet of flowers, pick up a box of Godiva, and have yourself a very successful, and hopefully satiated, evening.

Agent Double D.3 reports :
  1. Vampires:
    The Gift— Flowers are a must, unless you know for certain the young lady in question is allergic to them, and some chocolates. For goodness sake don't take red wine, it will remind you too much of that other red stuff and might cause you to lose control. Since your love bite is of the, let's say more committed kind, you will need to control yourself with this hot babe.
    The Date— During the actual date itself, keep focused, look interested in her at all times—even if she never leaves the topic of lipstick shades. Just smile, gently put your hand over hers, and politely suggest that she'd look good enough to eat with a bright shade of blood red. If you find it hard to control yourself around attractive humans avoid the dance venues on the first few dates. Dancing tends to accentuate the pulse and makes your date's neck far more attractive than normal. Many a vampire male has been branded uncouth for biting their partner on the dance floor.
    The Walk/Ride Home— Please refrain from turning into a giant bat and carrying your date home. Aside from the likelihood of scaring her to death, bat dropping stains are awfully hard to remove from clothing.
    After Date Desserts— It’s not considered gentlemanly to bite someone on your first date, unless they are willing. Of course, with that magnetic stare of yours, how could she not be willing? Not to mention, her bed can be terribly lonely for one.
  2. Werewolf:
    The Gift— As much as it pains me to tell you this, a huge slab of raw steak is not, in human terms, considered romantic. If she swoons when you slap two pounds of the best, bloody sirloin in her hands as she opens the door, it will not be from delight. Give her something special, like a fur coat made from pelts of your prey—minus the bite marks, of course. Under no circumstances suggest that she might like to go to dinner, au natural, under the coat. If she suggests it herself, hey, that’s a different matter.
    The Date— Firstly - avoid making a first date on the full moon. Even the most liberal of women can take offense at their hunky companion turning into Chewbacca over tagliatelle. Dancing is a must, since your natural animal grace will overawe any potential lover. For dinner, avoid places that serve raw meats, like steak and hamburger, and stick with processed foods like Italian or Chinese. Seeing you, with blood dripping off your chin, will not increase your chances of romance.
    The Walk/Ride Home— We’ve all heard about the wonderful freedom of running the streets and forests in wolf form. Unfortunately your date is human. She can’t transform. Probably doesn’t want to transform, and is most likely to scream and run if you do transform. A taxi, or car, is the recommended form of transport here. Though removing the dead deer from the trunk and having the car detailed to remove the smell of wet wolf, before the date, is an advisory precaution.
    After Date Desserts— Don’t automatically think buying her a nice meal, giving her chocolates and having a fantastic time dancing gives you the right to grab your date and hump her in her front garden. Get her into the living room first where it’s warmer.
  3. Ghosts:
    The Gift— Now might be the time to raid that famous treasure stash of yours to find that one antique bauble of Aunt Matilda’s, which matches perfectly with your new date’s eyes. Make sure she’s aware of its sentimental value to you and how special she is, which is why she must have it. At no point admit you think the thing is butt ugly and you’re so glad to be rid of it.
    The Date— Since your state of visibility is, let’s say somewhat challenged, the best venue for a date is that olde fashioned restaurant with separate booths, and preferably curtains that can be pulled across for more privacy. Have the lights turned really low—for romantic reasons, and keep your date distracted with interesting food and copious wine. The less she has to look at you, and the more she’s drunk, the less likely she is to wonder why the paisley pattern of the chair cover can be seen through your chest.
    The Walk/Ride HomeYou may be able to drift through brick, stone and wood, but she can’t. Open the doors for her, please.
    After Date Desserts— With all that wine keeping her happily smiling, she won’t mind at all if you tell her a few ghostly stories, as you tuck both of you into her bed.
  4. Invisible man:
    The Gift— Don’t be cheapskate. Presenting your date with a vase full of your specially grown invisible flowers, especially the ones you can’t feel, will always backfire in the end. With luck you’ll just get a kick or two to the shins, if you’re unlucky you'll get a kick or two somewhere else and the door slammed in your face. After that we’ll be calling you Ethel. Spend that extra twenty dollars and get her some real flowers. You, your shins and your other bits, will be grateful.
    The Date— Walking around covered in bandages can make it a bit tricky when it comes to getting into some of the more exclusive places. The simple solution to this is to effect a snobbish British accent and accidentally drop some business cards in front of the maitre d. Make sure the cards have the seal of the British Crown on them and P. Willy underneath the seal. Apologize profusely, explaining that you’re not in disguise but simply holding the cards for a friend. You will suddenly discover the restaurant has excellent service for you and your date, though you may have to endure being called “your majesty” for the duration of the evening. Note that it is in extremely bad taste, when your date goes to the restroom, to unravel the bandages and slip inside just to get a peek. But if you do, make sure to take photos on your cell phone and post them on the web.
    The Walk/Ride Home— Take a romantic walk across the park on your way home. If you choose a cloudy night, on a new moon when there’s a power outage, you can even take off your bandages and walk naked. She’ll never know the difference.
    After Date Desserts— A simple peck on the cheek is quite sufficient. Though it may take a little persuading to get her to pull down the covers enough to expose her butt.
  5. Merman:
    The Gift— Fish may go down very well at home, but here it should be reserved solely for the sushi chef. Seaweed too, since it really doesn’t stand well in a vase. Now an intricately carved statue of coral is acceptable, or a small strand of a hundred or so pearls. Well, who needs to go out for dinner with a gift like that?
    The Date— Yes, we know you love to talk to the dolphins, and whales are really cool when you can share the local sea gossip. Unfortunately most women, when they dress in slinky evening wear, don’t like to spend their date at the local Sea World. This might stifle your creativity some, yes, but stop thinking with the flippers man, think with your head. And no, we don’t mean that head. A nice restaurant, away from sources of water— i.e. the sea front—will serve nicely. Oh, and unless it’s sushi or oysters, don’t eat the fish raw.
    The Walk/Ride Home— Given the typically unpredictable state of the weather, always travel by car or taxicab. Any other form of transport runs the risk of being caught in rain. This would leave you floundering, and your angry date haggling prices with the local sushi chef.
    After Date Desserts— This is your time to demonstrate how much you like to eat things raw.
  6. Incubus:
    The Gift— Please, please, please, leave that frozen sample from the sperm bank at home. Go for something simple like a velvet blindfold and silk scarves, just to give her a taste of what’s to come later. Besides her, that is.
    The Date— Naturist beach – no. Mixed sauna and hot tub – no. skinny dipping – no. Look dude if you want to get hot and naked with her at least find somewhere private. How about suggesting an indoor barbecue at your place, clothing optional?
    The Walk/Ride Home— You’re already at home… What are you waiting for?
    After Date Desserts— Slinky, smooth, sexy. This is just the area you are an expert in. Oh, okay, you can get those sperm samples out now…
  7. Djinn:
    The Gift— With the gifts of a thousand maharaja’s at your whim you had to go buy her a box of chocolates! Good grief! Next time bring a ruby or two, and a diamond necklace, a tiara, a…
    The Date— A taste of the exotic will work wonders here. Take her someplace she’s never been—yes, we know she hasn’t been to Topeka, Kansas but you need make it exciting and someplace that people would actually want to visit. Bring her to locales where she can try food and wine that has never been seen on this World, just make sure to have the detox wagon ready for when she gets home. If you do all that, it will be a memorable experience for her she’ll never forget. Whatever you do, don’t take her to Paris, France or Florence, Italy. Those so called romantic pot holes are way too overused and utterly boring.
    The Walk/Ride Home— Now, this magic carpet type thing is kind of cool. It is a thrilling ride, indeed, to feel the wind blowing through the hair and see the tiny, biddy people way, way below. Do check first, though, that your date isn’t afraid of heights or gets travel sick. Cleaning those antique carpets can be costly.
    After Date Desserts— Who needs to go home when you have a convenient flying carpet and a few handy condoms? Watch out for those carpet burns.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

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