01 August 2007

Mama, Hubby and the Devil in the Deep Blue Sea

Today my husband sped into the drive, braked so fast that gravel flew under the tires and got out, running up on the porch, into the house. I thought, he was anxious to get home because he missed me, or perhaps was glad my mother had come to visit (ha ha!!) I raised my face up for a kiss, but he ran into the kitchen barely giving me a passing glance and a muttered. "Turn it on channel 36." I stupidly asked why as he raced back into the living room, to flop on the couch with an extra large glass of iced tea in his hand and got the answer I should have guessed all by myself. It is summer after all.


And I did mention my mother the paranoid one was visiting right? Riigght! She tucked her feet up in the chair and wiggled happily. "Ooh, yes, sharks are evil, let's see what they're plotting now." She glanced at me with a frown. "Turn the channel now!" With a dejected sigh I turned the channel from the Food Network where I could plan a menu to the Discovery Channel where I am on the menu.

Trapped inside a shark-infested living room, I was subjected to the sight of what happens to a person who's been bitten by the finned fiends. Not only that, I got commentary in stereo.

Mother: "Hmm hmm, see that? They're idiots. I'd have been on the beach with my tea glass and my gun, so I'd have been safe!"
Hubby: "I know, but lookit those teeth. I want a shark."
Mother: "To eat?"
Hubby: "No, like in a tank."
Mother, looking affronted, horrified and fascinated, as I know for a fact she was thinking about how many times she'd get to shoot it when, not if it got out of control: "No, no, no, just get a catfish, then, if it bothers you, you can always fry it."
Hubby: "Oooh, fried fish." He looks at me hopefully.
Me: "I'm not cooking, it's too hot."
Hubby: "Fine, but I want a tooth necklace."

My mother shudders then her feet start tapping on the floor. She can't watch, but she can't make herself look away. When a shark bites the camera, she screams in delighted horror. My husband slyly tells her that perch are shark's little spies and are scouting out the rivers for them. For a brief second I can tell she almost believes him, then he blows it by trotting out the 'bullshark in the Missouri River' story. She arches a brow and informs him that she's seen that documentary, twice this year already. All goes quiet as they go back to staring at the tv with rapt attention. Both of them have watched Jaws, the movie at least 300 times, each. My mother knows all the lines by heart. My husband is even worse as he owns all of the movies and the books.

My husband and she both believe that sharks will one day make the evolutionary and very real leap into the land locked Ouachita river just to feed upon their tender flesh. I don't know what's worse, being trapped in the house with two shark lover/haters or realizing I married the male version of my paranoid, conspiracy theory loving mother.

Surfs Up

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