05 October 2007

Making a Break

A.K.A. Making the Bad Doggie Yelp

So this is the last time. Your lover has systematically bitten his way through your friends list, the local woman's soccer team and the entire female population of the local college. Or maybe those scantily clad exotic dancers are smiling a little too much when returning from those ancient eastern dancing lessons. Well, enough is enough, and now he's going to learn his lesson or lose you forever.

But what can you do with a lover who can be anywhere and everywhere and you have no escape from his magical charms and overconfident smile? Well, never fear, Agent Double D.3 has risked life limb and a daiquiri cocktail to research the best places to hide when the love of your life is the a$$ of your life. Here is the heroine's guide to Making the Bad Doggie Yelp.

Agent Double D.3 reports :

1. Vampires: So, the man in you life has been moonlighting. Except, he hasn't been bringing in more cash for the household bills, he's merely leaving his particular mark on just about every girl in town. First off, remember he's a vampire. So be patient, wait for early summer. Then, sneak to his coffin just after dawn, snip off those offending fangs with a #2 bolt cutter and take the next flight to Alaska. Bask in the twenty-four-hour days where he can't touch you. Waiting months for his fangs to be returned so they can be grafted back into his jaw, will quickly have him begging your forgiveness. At least he can’t charm you or any of your buddies, do you know how silly he looks with those stubble fangs? Before you give them back though, maybe it won't hurt to enjoy a little, uhm, more of the normal night time pleasures, since he won't be able to bite for a while…

2. Werewolf: Now you know this pack behavior has gone too far when you find the entire neighborhood, (and the next three along,) piled up in your backyard and swimming pool. To make matters worse, as you dodge the slippery skinned and very active copulatory guests, your beloved is doing the doggy with not one, not two, but half a dozen buxom young bimbos from that fancy topless dance joint on the other side of town. This brings pack behavior down to it’s lowest common denomwehateher. To punish him for his rather thoughtless behavior wait until it’s the full moon and he’s turned to wolf. Coax him from there into the house with the show of a bowl of Kibbles and Bits. Once he’s settled and happy slip on that silver collar and leash you had especially made for this occasion—effectively locking him into wolf form. Then book a four week course for yourself, and him, at the local dog training pound. You will literally have him howling for forgiveness before the first week is out. Once you’ve decided to forgive him have the collar converted to a man sized pair of manacles. After all, why should he have all the fun in bed.

3. Ghosts: What are you worried about? So what if he goosed Lucy, tickled Tiffany and fu—well, did that with Frieda? You can move to a nice tropical location with palm trees, sun, sand cocktails and a whole host of bronze tanned hunks. He can’t move beyond the borders of his haunt. Just make sure before you go, loaded up with spare condoms, that you place a suitably protected PC just outside his haunt range, but close enough for him to see the wonderful images of man flesh you regularly mail to the screen from your cell phone. He’ll be wailing for forgiveness within days. Really, with a choice of hot hunks and beach houses, or a chilly touch in a derelict castle, are you sure you want to go back?

4. Invisible man: So you found your invisible love peeking in women’s bedrooms and poking things that, well, shouldn’t be poked. How do you get away from a man who could go anywhere and be anywhere and you’d have no idea at all. Take a drive to a beach. A nice long sandy beach with cool umbrellas and cocktail huts. Keep a pile of damp sand handy, and a 10oz can of deep heat. When you see those tell tale footprints coming towards you in the sand, just toss a few handfuls of self adhesive sand to locate his private bits, then spray liberally with the deep heat. If he ever talks to you again (not that you care) just let him know that all his former victims, and everyone you know, now carries a deep-heat security can. They all look forward to making him hot.

5. Merman: So, he’s been making caviar with every girl in town—above and below the water line. And he doesn’t understand why you’re upset since he doesn’t eat caviar anyway. Your best port of call is the lovely city of Venice. Relax amongst the gentle lapping motion of gondola as the gondoliers ferry you through this city of art and history. If your ex-lover dares to show a flipper in this humble city just push him overboard near the local fish market. From there natural Supply and Demand forces will take effect. Of course, if you want to make your own caviar, wait until the fileter flashes his knife, then explain to the bemused shopkeeper that you really do need your gold fish back, bar the dorsal thingy, of course.

6. Incubus: Well you know this guy couldn’t be faithful even if you cut his wotsits off. So you’re used to that. But did he really have to ravish farmer MacTavitie’s sheep? Time for you to get out of town before someone gets fleeced. Time for that extended stay in the European nunnery you’ve been promising yourself. He won’t be able to get to you there and just think of all those handsome monks you’ll be able to find for those late night prayers…

7. Djinn: So sheik Awa Wants Ex-Djinn has been enjoying himself a little too much with the exotic dancers huh? And you need a simple and effective way to escape him. Well, duh! Superglue. The next time he goes back into his bottle just place a few drops of this in the stopper. That way if anyone actually finds the old lamp after you dumped it in the local sludge pit they won’t be able to get into the same kind of trouble you did. Not with Mr. Djinn feeling somewhat bunged up.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

All Agent Double D.3 reports are now being archived on my forum. Come along and see me there sometime

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