25 January 2008

How Long Should It Be?

A.K.A. Cutting it close, indeed

So, you’ve been going steady now for a few months. Life is good, the dates are good, the visits to the folks were good and the sex, bless his dark soulless heart, is fantastic. Yet during one of those steaming, make-me-scream-double-and-pull-the-ceiling-down orgasms you noticed, running your fingers through his hair, that he’s had the same old style for absolutely ever. Okay, we know his lifestyle, trepidation of sharp implements, and the fear of a gay Mr. Universe covered in tattoos fawning over him; will prevent him from getting anywhere near a barber shop. You’ve decided, then, to take matters into your own hands and forced your, rather reluctant, beau to sit in towel-wrapped-around-neck glory in your easy-to-sweep-the-floor kitchen. The trouble is, now you have all the implements of the expert coiffeur neatly stacked beside you, you have no idea what to do.

Never fear our special Agent Double D.3 has risked life, limb and fingertips in barbershops nationwide to bring you this exclusive report on everything you need to know to trim those silky locks. Can’t tell the shears from the snips? Find yourself sticking the comb into his ear each time? Not sure what the difference between a thinner and a trimmer is? Then come on in, take a seat, fluff up the apron and read Agent Double D.3’s special report on Cutting it close, indeed.

Agent Double D.3 reports :

1. Vampires: Don’t ask me why but these fellas, in spite of being dead, still grow hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ve heard all the arguments about polylactic acetyl enzymes and the maturity effect of vampire life magic. But let’s face it, it’s just a bloody nuisance having to untangle those long raven locks of his every time he takes a quick feast while on his way home and gets blood clots stuck in them. That’s another three hours wasted tending to him in the coffin when you could have been spending his hard bitten cash in the local fashion show. So, treat your fella to a nice short style, one that keeps the hair out of his eyes and well away from any unsuspecting wench’s neck. Rub in a goodly amount of garlic oil and the feisty stuff might not even grow for a while. What? He wants to know what you’re both going to do about being pantyless? Hell, nothing. You’re not sticking your face anywhere near him until that garlic smell wears off. Geesh, men!

2. Werewolves: This might be the first time you hear your werewolf lover whimper. Unfortunately it has nothing to do with the unbridled lust he feels at learning you’re without panties, and more to do with the loss of his wondrous, silken coat of fur. Never mind that the aforementioned silken coat is matted with mud, twigs, the entrails of moonlight feasts and literally crawling with bugs and other creatures that you dare not name. Be lenient with him though, leave him a reasonable head of hair, say, to just above his shoulders. After all, even the most timid of prey would likely laugh themselves to death at the sight of a bald wolf. If you feel this task is a little beyond you just take him to the nearest Petco grooming station. Make sure to bring his doggie treats with you and maybe you’ll get a treat back home…

3. Ghosts: Now you’re trying to make me laugh, yeah? I mean. Ghost, like, ghost. Yeah? Since when have you literally been able to grab this guy and hold him still for anything, let alone a haircut. Okay, so the sex is great, and you really get a thrill out of an ectoplasmic orgasm. But that’s not actual physical contact, right? This guy just doesn’t exist in a solid form and any attempt to trim his hair is likely to leave you with more than a few dozen nicks in your fingers. For this one gals, just take the easy route out. Exorcise him and keep hunting round till you find a ghost with the hair style you like. It will be so much simpler in the long run.

4. Invisible men: 1: Place mannequin head on table. 2: Sit in chair. 3: Place lovers wig on mannequin head. 4: Style to your hearts content. Hey, why waste energy trying to do the impossible. And think of all that extra time he’ll have to reward you for the panty free styling. Just wanted to mention it.

5. Mermen: The main problem here is the salt. Well, okay, the salt, the limpets, the barnacles, the… First thing is take him to your private swimming pool (or bathtub) and hold him underwater for, oooh, let’s say seven hours to begin with. Tie him there if necessary, after all this is for his own good. Come back every two hours to tease him about your pantyless state and ruffle his hair good. Remember to bring a chisel and hammer too, since some of them clam things really don’t want to give up their homesteading rights. At the end of the week, when he’s finally salt and shell free, sit his surly butt in the kitchen and snip those wavy bushels of hair to a nice buzz cut. After all he doesn’t really need hair, it just slows him down when he’s swimming. If he’s up to it afterwards, take him to the bedroom and remind him of your pantyless disposition, maybe he’ll return the buzz cut favor…

6. Incubus: Let’s face it, you’re gonna have sex. Aint nothing you can do which isn’t going to make this guy crazy in love with you, so make sure you do the styling naked. Preferably bent over the kitchen island and singing “Sweet mysteries of life,” while you do. Who knows, maybe twelve or a hundred orgasms later you might actually have given him a decent crew cut. It’s worth a try, eh?

7. Djinn: Djinn’s, alas, love their braids. It’s as if the braid holds their very life force in place and they would rather die than have it trimmed. Of course, he’s very welcome to spend the rest of his life in the bottle… Once he’s finally come around to your way of thinking don’t be too harsh on him. Chop off an inch a day on the braid thing. With a bit of luck he won’t use magic to regrow it back too quickly and you’ll have him with a sexy just-below-the-ear style in less than a year. If all else fails, well, there’s bound to be another magic lamp somewhere in the world.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.
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