27 March 2010

Interpreting the Gender Divide

Archaeologists recently unearthed a huge cavern in the mountains of Outer Mongolia. Within the chambers loaded with gold, precious gems, silver and goatskins was a cracked and barely readable parchment which had been sealed in a box of hand wrought gold. Such elaborate detail and immense amounts of time had been spent on this small container that scientists knew the scrap of history it contained was one of the most valuable insights the ancient philosophers had sought to preserve and assist them in the afterlife. With months of gentle care and handling this fount of ancient wisdom has now been translated and is bringing enlightenment to the scientific community all across the globe.

After much danger to life and limb I've managed to obtain a small fragment of the text on this ancient manuscript, text which I can share with you now. And we must all unite against the governments of the world whose greed is attempting to keep all this knowledge locked within its dusty chambers forever.

This collection, from the ancient thinkers of past civilizations comes as a warning to all how confusing it can be when neither of us really understands what the other is thinking. With this handy set of translations we may perhaps avoid calamities, thrown pots and pans, and even nuclear disasters by recognizing a few of the most common mishaps that occur whenever men and women attempt to communicate with each other.

So as you read and assimilate the depths of this ancient philosophy, remember to keep the coffee cup safely on the desk and away from your lips. Unless coffee splatter on your screen and keyboard is the best way to start your day...

One Hundred Commonly Misunderstood Phrases Between Men and Women.

Phrases #1 to #15

1. Let’s have a romantic night home with the TV.
She: Just the two of us, alone, candles, wine, and box of candies and a lovely weepy movie where we can cuddle up together and watch with the lights all dimmed.
He: Ball Game! Hand me the beer and the cheetos. Hey, what happened to my foghorn?

2. Let’s have dinner in.
She: Table set for two, best china and glassware with wine. Candles set in a cut lead glass candelabra. All served with a special home delivery of Bagna cauda, Pollo alla cacciatora and Torta caprese from Roxianno’s upper crust Italian restaurant.
He: What? Where’s the chili dog’s? You mean you didn’t make chili dogs?

3. Let’s go for a walk in the park.
She: Holding hands, watching the clouds, trees and birds. Sitting by the duck pond and talking about life, love and all the other wonderful things that bring us closer together.
He: You mean you weren’t talking about the ball park? “Go Cards! Yeaeeeeeh!”

4. Let’s have a night out on the town.
She: Lavish evening gown, jewelry, exotic perfume. Exclusive dinner club with dancing, maybe a movie after and a night spent in the five star hotel just a little way down the road.
He: Joe’s bar, torn jeans and t-shirt. Tons of beer. Watching the girls dancing to the juke-box. Staggering home drunk after fifty beers, puking in the hedge and collapsing on the bed.

5. I’ve brought you the perfect gift.
She: Oooh, diamond earrings and matching necklace. No wait, a Porsche, a Ferrari. My, there are just so many choices.
He: Here babe, I know you've been wanting a new cookset.

6. I'm getting ready for a date!
She: Shower, freshened up, make up, do hair. Which clothes to wear, which clothes to wear. Ouch, is that a pimple—OhMyGodI’mgoingtodie!
He: Have I brushed my hair? Can’t remember…oh, well.

7. Do you fancy a cuddle in bed?
She: The perfect way to unwind for the day. Warm and safe with his arms wrapped around me, cuddled spoon-like while feeling dozy and dreamy.
He: SEX!

8. Let's cook a special dinner together.
She: Filet mignon, buttered roasted asparagus and al a grecque potatoes with tiramisu. Teasing and laughing together as we putter about in the kitchen and then gazing into each others eyes as we finish the meal with candle, champagne, and moonlight.
He: Charcoal, check! Lighting fluid, check! Baby back ribs and bbq sauce, check! Beer, check! Burgers and buns, check! More beer, check! Having her for desert, check!

9. You wanna go for a drive?
She: Ferrari convertible, top down, warm sun, hair blowing in the breeze while drifting past all the hobbledehoy with my new diamond earrings and matching necklace on show.
He: Well, there’s this new bar on the other side of town. High Def, plasma, fifty-two inch screen TV…

10. Let’s write each other a love letter.
She: Darling it was so wonderful last night with your arms around me as we sat and watched the stars and the sea. My heart leaps for joy at each special memory… And our kiss was so… Hugs and Kisses…
He: Hey Babe! It was fantastic last night. With you naked beneath me as I… and for tomorrow’s position we can try the… And the things we did with the beer…

11. Want to help me shop for lingerie?
She: Oh dear, do you think this bra is a little too tight. And the panties are so uncomfortable when they ride up my butt crack. It’s too expensive for stuff like this.
He: Oh S**T. Look at those tits and butt cheeks! Here’s the cash! Buy! Buy! Buy!

12. Let's read a book together in bed.
She: He can be my sexy werewolf hero seducing me with soft, warms words while I snuggle against him. Hmm I can breathe in his scent and languish in the strength of his arms wrapped around me.
He: Okay how about this one. Number 106 Lotus Blossom Parting for the Royal Prince…

13. Let’s go look at some art and stuff.
She: Holding hands walking through the museum and discussing the merits and downfalls of Van Gogh, Rembrandt and Picasso.
He: "Com’n Candy take ‘em off!" What do you mean this isn’t art?

14. Let’s have a romantic dance at home.
She: Soft pop music, dimmed lights and the supple warmth of cheek to chest as we dance gently to the music and float around the floor in an aura of love, togetherness and peaceful happiness.
He: So why did we buy you that dancing pole if you’re not gonna strip?

15. Let’s have a romantic bath together.
She: Hmm, snuggled down in warm, sudsy water his arms wrapped around me while sharing thoughts and dreams. How wonderful!

Make sure you remember these phrases guys, for the sake of world peace, love and the prevention of bumps on heads from flying skillets.

Creator of PIACT and the PIACT undercover agent series.

When I was young I wanted to grow up--instead I became a Writer!
Whatever life may take from me, I'll always have my words and smile.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

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Colleen Love said...

Ahh... Words of wisdom from SJ! :) You have it nailed down! Amazing how men and women can get on, isn't it? lol

Great post! I loved it! :)


Denysé Bridger said...

OMG - this is wonderful!! I have been reading so many of these "mixed responses" articles lately, but this about sums up the differences in male/female brainwaves.... You've got a winner with this one, S.J. - thanks!!!

Love & Hugs,

Maria said...

This was hillarious...I'd say you certainly understand the problem with male/female communication...hehe

sjwilling said...

LOL Thanks Guys!

I'll see if I can sneak out the other 85 prhases sometime. Tough breaking into those government places though. :)